Looking Back and Reopening for Business

“How strange is the lot of us mortals! Each of us is here for a brief sojourn; for what purpose he knows not, though he senses it. But without deeper reflection one knows from daily life that one exists for other people.” ~ Albert Einstein

I almost forgot about this place. Sitting all alone in the ether that we call the "internet" - posterity of the electronic age, existing only as long as some server somewhere decides to keep it around. I started this on a lark - was on rotation, prior to graduation, with a guy who was having fun with it, and decided to give my hand at it. Some of my earlier stuff is pretty angry - I was. My marriage was bad, and I don't blame her, but between my poor coping mechanisms, a crazy school schedule, a busy little boy at home, and a wife who was horrible to me . . . it came out in those earliest posts. I didn't sense it then, but it's palpable now. Clear to me. That's actually very sad when you think about it . . . very sad. When you go to drug rehab, they often make you do a "relapse autopsy" looking back over what lead up to your using and eventual collapse. I didn't have the money for rehab and I never went - thank God for the rooms of A.A. - but looking back, this mental state was the straw that broke the proverbial camel's back. While "interesting" today, it doesn't really matter to much because I know that it is all an excuse and always is - I don't need a reason, ever, to get fucked up, but life being bad does make for one hell of a justification . . . does it not?

But, I'm rambling. I do that. I get off on tangents, now to redirect back. This blog was a tool I used to work through much of what happened to me over the course of the year 2007. For those of you who followed along - thank you. Your comments and support meant more to me than I can express in words. I'm not always the best at showing appreciation, so, I hope it's better late than never. I went through a rearranging process, and out of the other side came a new and improved man. I don't feel the same as I did then. Life is not painful the way it was then, and I'm blessed for having had the chance to experience it, though we often do not recognize this fact when we go through what we do. And I'm not super excited to relive any of it, but it forced me to grow or . . . die. Those were my choices. Am I being melodramatic? Looking back . . . no. It's life or destruction for me - I wish I was a mere mortal, I can be envious of you that are, but I lack power, have a spiritual deficiency that requires me to keep growing. Steven King, writing under the pseudonym, "Richard Bachman," wrote a story called the Long Walk, and in the story, it was a contest, the last one walking won a large cash prize. The issue at hand was that if you fell behind, you were shot by the military - on and on until there was one last guy . . . so it's like that, gotta keep walking. It's not an option for me.

So why'd I stop posting? The muse left me . . . my inspiration was gone, blogging had become a chore, and maybe it's original purpose had melted away. I became much busier with my boy, as his mother had just moved back to California a few weeks before my last post, and those of you who have been around 2 year olds know: it's hard to do much of anything except make sure they don't eat dirt and keep things out of light sockets, while making mac and cheese, and watching cartoons, or getting ready to go play outside.

Also, at that time, my marriage was in the shambles, and I started dating again - that was a nightmare generally, but I met some really cool people - one in particular - and she will always be special to me in a way, but life got . . . complicated (doesn't it always?) I'm not really sure if the story should be told or is even appropriate at this juncture . . . let me say this: by March my wife told me she wanted a divorce, was ready to do it. The funny thing about divorces is that they cost money. I'm not talking the messy divorces either - obviously those cost money, lots of money - I'm talking about a simple filing. Neither one of us had half the money at the same time, and the reason I'm still married today is largely because we couldn't even afford to file the paperwork. My wife even went so far as to get an appointment with a paralegal mediator (which would have been even more money). So, about the time I had met someone new - my wife decides she does not want a divorce. Monkey-fucking-wrench . . . I was largely resistant to this at first, but . . . it's complicated, do I need to say any more than that? We're still married and "working it out" - the only person who was hurt in all this was the "other woman" and through no fault of her own. It was a lesson in collateral damage and I'm ashamed for the pain I may have caused, but I let that relationship drop - I had to, and if I would have had more maturity and forethought, I never would have gotten involved with someone prior to a divorce finalizing. She - the "other" - was sweet and nice and good and mostly . . . she didn't deserve what happened. It is my responsibility that it did. One may only live and learn, and not make the same mistakes again. I may have rambled too much, but I won't edit it . . . it is cathartic to have it out . . .

Last March, I matched to a residency program in Internal Medicine - I love work and I love what I'm doing. I will not say where, specifically, because I have had friends who have already gotten into trouble when blogging about where they work, so I will not be identifying my program and I hope that is ok with people. Obviously those close to me know, but I'm not interested in disciplinary action because someone got all butt-hurt about what I said or wrote. I started in July and since that time I have been busier than a one legged man in an ass-kicking contest. However, things are starting to settle down a bit and I think this place may be a good outlet for me again. So, as long as the muse allows I'll be posting again . . . and I may use this as more of an outlet for things I think are important in the world than an online journal, but Im sure there will be some of both.

Perseverance is an admirable trait . . . me? I think I've merely been surviving, even if it looks very similar. I am blessed. God is doing the heavy lifting, and I'm getting by. Much love people.

(and yes there is more, so much more, but I'm only one man and I've only got so much time [maybe next time] - peace)