Hiatus

We had two bags of grass, seventy-five pellets of mescaline, five sheets of high-powered blotter acid, a saltshaker half-full of cocaine, a whole galaxy of multi-colored uppers, downers, screamers, laughers... Also, a quart of tequila, a quart of rum, a case of beer, a pint of raw ether, and two dozen amyls. Not that we needed all that for the trip, but once you get locked into a serious drug collection, the tendency is to push it as far as you can. The only thing that really worried me was the ether. There is nothing in the world more helpless and irresponsible and depraved than a man in the depths of an ether binge, and I knew we'd get into that rotten stuff pretty soon.
~ Raoul Duke, monolouge, Fear and Lothing in Las Vegas

Will be on vaction in the Bahamas for he next week or so . . .

Sweet.

Bet your silly ass, you wish you were me . . . damn, it feels good to be a gangster

See you bitches on the flip-side . . .

Bad Ass Show

"Nothing personal. It's just revenge."
~ Afro Samurai

Found this on Spike Channel tonight. Watch this shit or be lame.

Lawless Ingress

"They're coming outta the walls. They're coming outta the goddamn walls, we're fucked!"
~ PFC W. Hudson (A08/TQ1.0.41776E3), Aliens

Let me paint a hypothetical for you . . . I'm a poor guy, uneducated, definitely have more than one species of parasite currently living off of my body, and I live in a van down by the river. Now, I know that in your house is some good grub, an extra bedroom and shower, and the backdoor is always unlocked. Are you going to be cool with my nasty ass coming into your house, eating your food, using your shower, and impregnating your daughter (not my fault she has "daddy issues" because you are an asshole). Are you going to shoot me, call the cops, ignore me? You tell me what you are going to do if I'm hanging out in your house uninvited?

Is it just me or does have half the country seem to have checked their brain at the door when it comes to illegal immigration? No human being is illegal? I'd like to meet the mental midget that came up with that slogan, because to meet someone who could utter such a ignorant, moronic, and illogical statement such as that warrants a case study . . . and I've got dibs (as an important tangent dibs is one of the more important rules and laws of nature. Like gravity, the abscence of dibs is nothing more than anarchy. Dibs means that I do not have to kick your ass every time I want the last nacho or slice of pizza. Dibs allows the little things in society to be dealt with without specific laws and maintains an order. You want to make an argument against the objective moral nature of dibs - let me hop up fornt after you call "shotgun" - tell me you're not pissed. Why, if morals are subjective? People who think morals are subjective can go fuck themselves)

Let's look at the definition of "illegal" shall we?

forbidden by law or statute

Hmmmmm. How about "alien" . . .

a resident born in or belonging to another country who has not acquired citizenship by naturalization

You don't say! So does that mean that someone in this country, who is not from this country, and is here outside the limits of our laws on immigraion is an "illegal alien" - YES jackass! - That is EXACTLY what I am saying! - It's the fucking definition! How retarded do you really have to be? Should your mom have feed you rat poison when she realized how fucking stupid you were? Yes! (But she loved you - that's what Moms do - can't hold it against her)

The whole debate is an emotional one. Including, "we don't like the term illegal alien - waaaahhhhhh." Go fuck yourself. It's what you are. It's crazy! A month ago a florida state legislator tried to get a bill passed that would ban the use of the term illegal alien from use in the state. Seriously, because it hurt the criminal's feelings. THE CRIMINAL'S FEELINGS! (at this point I must break for fits of conniption the smashing of small breakable objects).

What do these wonderful dregs on society contribute (oh let me count the ways):

1) Harm to healthcare: hospitals are closing because of costs of taking care of the uninsured illegals, valuable clinic time is wasted translating because illegals do not even have the decency to learn the fucking language of the system they are bilking, and all the fun and exotic disease they bring with them including excitement like TB.

2)Crime: "29 percent of criminals filling jails across this country are illegal and legal immigrants. They cost US taxpayers $1.6 billion annually. Illegals breed gangs, and gangs more crime. And if that was not bad enough "nearly one million sex crimes committed by illegal immigrants in the United States".

3) Harm to education: "The Center for Immigration Studies in Washington, DC, estimates a minimum of 1.1 million illegal alien children attend American schools. The great majority of them cannot and do not speak English. English as a Second Language classes costs taxpayers billions of dollars." Imagine the disruption to your child's education because most of the class cannot understand the language of the system they leech off of enough to be productive to the learning enviroment. Graduation rates sit around 70% mostly thanks to the children of illegals. As an added bonus these kids bring the public health problems and crime of above to school - talk about family values . . . And now, while you take out a 2nd mortgage on the house so your kid can go to school illegals are getting in-state tutition.

Seriously this HAS TO STOP! We need to close the border and I mean close it. BUILD THE FUCKING WALL. We are the greatest and richest nation on the planet and we could build a wall tall enough and deep enough to provide protection again almost any incursion. I'm talking berlin style bitch! Guard towers ever few hundred feet, barbed wire, vicious dogs, land mines, and machine guns - hell, if you get across we'll gladly grant you citizenship because you will obviously be the resourceful type of motherfucker we want in the country - you could turn it into a reality TV show (dibs).

We have to change the constitution to stop allowing for the automatic citzenship of babies born to illegal in this country. It's nuts - squirrel nuts - there is no other country on the planet that grants citizenship based solely on being born on certain soil.

We need to start rounding up everyone that is here illegally and send them home. Another notable Kansan pulled it off during his presidency, and we can too - NOW! (I like Ike! [not Turner])

Get politically active! The spineles politicians will do nothing unless you make sure you threaten their gravy train. Write, call, complain, sign petitions and encourage everyone else too. This is YOUR country, not theirs, and it's about time we started doing something about. You will only have yoursel to blame if you do nothing. And if I find out you did nothing, I will kick your ass.

You Are Not The Boss of Me!

“If you go to a costume party at your boss's house, wouldn't you think a good costume would be to dress up like the boss's wife? Trust me, it's not.”
~ Jack Handey

What's wrong with some people? Ok, more specifically, what the fuck is wrong with a certain medical assistant at the FMO neuro clinic who thinks she needs put herself personally in charge of my medical education?

Ok, let's back this up for a second. I will admit that I am unequivocally NOT excited about neurology clinic - hell I'll even go so far as to say neurology itself blows fucking goats. Seriously, I tried to like it, but it's rediculous. Oh! Look! We've localized a lesion . . . now what? Oh that right! Nothing . . . the patient's brain is goo. And what is it about the patients . . . why is every patient a retard or fucking nuttier than a jar of crunchy Jif? The neuro exam . . . everyone does it differently, and if called upon do do an exam, they will feel it necessary to correct your technique to copy their technique. Hate to tell you geniuses this . . . but if the interosseous muscles are working so's the whole fucking ulnar nerve and you just wasted your time telling the patient to "push". Have you ever seen a single service agonize over some many crazy differentials?

Anyway . . . so, yeah, my motivation is lacking. Shadowing a resident and/or an attending for 8 hours makes me want to kill myself. The excitement level is "off the heezee". Anyway . . . again, anyway . . . I'm trying to show up on time and I'm trying to follow to the best of my ability, but there is no set patern for how a physician in training should find and follow anyone. Furthermore, it seems that spending time with an attending in conversation is a big "no-no" especially in light of the confusing expectations.

Problems first occured on Wednesday. John and myself were happily discussing illegal immigration with an attending physician after lunch, and after that attending left we were unclear as how to procede and while trying to decide how to procede a certain "hall-monitoring" medical assistant waddled up to us and told us that if we did not follow someone she would tell on us and we would not get credit for the rotation. What the fuck? You're NOT the boss of me. You are not my supervisor. And you look like the vomited up version of a horse's ass . . . who let you leave the house looking like that anyway? Your mother should have done the world a favor and smothered you while you slept (probably would have if she would have known how you would end up).

Turns out, she runs to mommy anyway and we all get a stern warning form the course director no less, but then when confusion sets in again on Thursday and some leave early for lecture. Guess who has taken another interest in our education? That's right - fucknuts.

Finally, after the weekend, waiting like a gigantic turd in the wonderful punchbowl that is the end of this stupid fucking year is neuro clinic this monday. And I'll be fucked sideways running backwards if we did not make a real honest effort to be involved in the shit hole commonly referred to as "neurology clinic". Morning went fine. We get back after lunch and once again somewhat confused because the only attending in sight is in workroom and tells us that there is to be an LP, and that if the patient is not crazy (yeah right!) one of us could do the LP. We wait with him. Enter stage left the fucking self-imposed boss of my neurology education - once again threatening my rotation credit.

It's getting really fucking old. We were in clinic - on time - and in good faith and we get attacked again? This woman has taken on her role with such vigor and gusto, I would be suprised if she had time for anything else (and obviously has given up personally rooming for the sake of the endeavor). I'm sure she's just a pathetic excuse for a human being and jumps at any chance to exercise he power since she is impotent everywhere else. Bad armchair psychologist? Maybe, but I think she's fucking pathetic. And I tried to let this go. I really, really, really did, but it is now personal. One more run in and I'm filing a formal harassment complaint. She is not my boss - she is not my supervisor . . .

And she can go fuck herself . . .

(angry rants always make me feel better - fuck her!)

Life, the Universe, and Everything . . .

I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be.
~Douglas Adams

Three blogs into my less than illustrious blogging endeavor and I actually have the temerity to attempt the blog that will end all blogs! Reckless, brash, and foolhardy . . . I will attempt to answer the ultimate question: what is the answer to life the universe and everything? [*insert drumroll here*] HA! I wish I knew! Made you look! Douglas Adams suggested the answer was 42 . . . a less than satisfying answer but one none the less.

As it turns out the universe is a really, really freaking big place. Imagine the biggest place you can think of and the universe is probably bigger . . . probably. The Hubble Space Telescope has photographed the entire known visible universe. The closest of those galaxies to us is Andromeda at a mere 2 million light years away. For those mental midgets who might be having a hard time understanding this concept, a light year is the distance that light will travel in one Earth year. The speed of light is 186,282.397 miles per second. Therefore, doing the 'rithmatic we have: 1.17 x 10^19 miles away (*sigh* and for you who do not have the learning nor understanding to fathom scientific notation, let me make it even easier: 117,000,000,000,000,000,000 miles away).

Further compounding the awesomeness and vastness of it all is another tricky subject: dark matter. This is "stuff" that is NOT seen, but merely inferred, and accounts for most of the mass in the observable universe. Huh? What the fuck?! (Yes, spelled out, not "WTF", which is a fucking lame and retarded acronym). Yes. We have no clue what most of the universe is all about. Amazing when you think about it. Yet materialist philosophers wish to impose upon me the idea that we know enough about said "unknown" universe to discount the existence of a Creator. I know the kool-aid is lovely boys(!), but I think I'll stick with what I'm drinking - tastes good - wish it was "spicy sauce" (created by myself and dubbed "spicy sauce" by my college friends, this is my liquid contribution for a good time to the world. Recipe for spicy sauce: one plastic gallon jug of H20, one liter vodka, one liter triple sec, one pint cocconut rum, one liter margarhetta mix; dump the water out of the jug, pour contents of all four liquids into gallon, drink straight over ice or mixed half and half with 7up; *bonus* carrying around the jug at the party will be a conversational piece, and the ladies LOVE the "spicy sauce" ["spicy sauce" MUST as a matter of convention always be referenced in the third person])

So what's it all about anyway? Wish I knew. What I do know is that the unknown for me is frightening. I stand at the rubicon and wish to cross over, but find myself paralyzed by my own trepidation and indecision. In a few short months I will be expected to start taking care of real people with real medical problems - fuck me if the thought of it kicks me in the balls and won't stop. I'm a smart guy - know it - will tell you so - no problems - but my biggest demon is the one that lives within - that nagging self-doubt and insecurity. I've never felt "good-enough" - never. Maybe I set my own personal bar too high? Maybe I'm just a jackass. And maybe, just maybe, I'm a human being.

Here's the thing . . . my life experience, and I've had more in the last fews years than I really enjoyed (repeating 2nd year of med school, not matching, failing boards CS, spending two months away from my family, etc.), has shown me that it is really only through pain that anything good can happen. Growth only occurs when I hurt. I spent much of my life running from that hurt, but now with a new understanding and a new determinism I see that the fear I will always have with me. All I can do is one day at a time. Cliche'? VERY. Almost makes me want to puke to say it, but its true. All you really have is today - now. Do what needs doing today, and you can handle tommarow the same way. The pain - the fear - the anxiety - that's growth asshole! So pay attention! I am where I am and I am who I am because of the shit . . . you are where you are supposed to be my friend.

Finally, when the unknown gets to be too much - remember the "known". For me that's a wife, a son, four walls, a roof, food in the fridge, cars that start, air conditioning that works, health, etc. Reality check motherfucker - pay attention to what "is" - know - before you start bitching about everything else. Remember most of the world lives in a mud hut . . .

It's your reality and your responsibility. Make of it what you will. Remember you can never know the true steel or mettle of a man unless you've seen him take a shot. Does he go down like a little weepy bitch, or does he stand back up with his fists raised and his teeth clenched and ask, "is that the best you've got, because now I'm gonna kick your ass"?

What do we really know . . . indeed . . . we know much more than we think we don't and much less thank we think we do. Be true. Be real. Walk through the fire because when it passes over, you will find that you remain.

Flimflam (a.k.a carbon offsets)

“It's morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money.”
- W. C. Fields

You know there are all manner of ways that folks (read: stupid gullible idiots) get conned out of their money. One of the more interesting and notorious scams to come to mind, is the "African Money Transfer" scam. You might recieve an email that would request your help in securing a few million dollars. In a nutshell . . . the africans need you to help them with bribes to officials and/or $10,000 to open an account in their country, etc. all in order to, eventually, facilliate the wiring of a large sum of money from their country into a bank overseas, usually Europe - these folks even produce official looking government and bank documents to bring you along. You, of course, would take a large cut for your help. As you can imagine, since this is being referenced in a blog on scams, you never see a dime. It's such a sweet deal, it makes me wish I would have come up with it. I think I could have bilked way more than those uneducated and cretin-like third-worlders - hell(!) my toilet flushes and when I want something I just push the buttons on my replicator (take that bitches!).

Moving along . . . to one of the newest scams out there: the carbon offset. Carbon what? Of course if you are not a liberal, hug a tree, mental defective, Corky Thatcher (Life Goes On allusion! - bonus points [cha-ching]), Gore-clone (my term, I coined it, please cite ME when you use it [and you know you will]), meaning . . . you are reasonable, decent human being, you've probably not heard of the term either. Of course those of you who do know of these, how-do-you-say, "carbon offsets" might protest you are "cultured" or "well read" - NO! - you are a jackass, and if you actually bought some carbon offsets, you are also an idiot to boot.

Let me explain the "carbon offset" . . . it seems that the carbon offset is "something" that you purchase that is supposed to lower the amount of CO2 in the enviroment. Yay! But here's the deal . . . you keep doing whatever it is that you are doing but you also put money into a windfarm, thereby absolving yourself of any of that annoying, guilt that self-hating liberals have too much of in the first place. So from a purely psychological perspective I can understand the primal need to buy offsets - I mean, how else are the shame-filled, mental-midgets going to sleep at night (we all gotta sleep, right?). It's like the Indulgences and the Roman Catholic Church. For a set price you may "pay it forward", and then bugger all the little boys you like, and will still find a fluffy cloud and a golden harp in heaven (sweet deal!). Another analogy if I may . . . it's like me taking a shit on the floor of your living room, but, "Hey man! It's cool! Sorry, I know I didn't need BOTH burritos, but don't worry, I'm having the neighbor's floor cleaned!" Whatever. Many offsets actually buy a tree's CO2 using potential you are not even buying the tree. If you do this amazing stunt, you are actually paying someone for something the tree was going to do anyway!

The whole offset business went mainstrem with the revelation that Al Gore (yes - Mr. "the world is going to melt because the world is getting too hot because humans are putting too much CO2 in the air" [btw if the coastal regions really flooded the whole world would be a better place, because who lives on the coast? that's right liberals and poor people]) spends like $30,000 a year in utility bills on his HUGE freakin house in Tennessee. Now I personally do not have a problem with $30,000/year ultility bill nor do I have probablem with HUGE freakin houses - the bigger the better! What I do have a problem with is someone who tells me that I'm killing the earth because of CO2 and that I need to change everything about the way I live, yet Mr. Doom and Gloom himself sits in his HUGE freakin house and polutes the enviroment with the very stuff he says is killing it. Where I come from, that person is called a hypocrite. Gore's rationalization for such extravagance? Carbon offsets.

Here's probably the best part, and you just cannot make this shit up . . . it turns out Gore "pays for his extra-large carbon footprint through Generation Investment Management a London-based company with offices in Washington, D.C., for which he serves as chairman". He pays himself for the carbon offsets! HA! (And the geen-nazis discount everything any scientist with any tie to an oil company has to say, but if Gore has a financial conflict of interest in carbon offsets, we shall turn a blind eye? [where the fuck is the consistency bitches?])

So, in the spirit of the posting, I am, as of this moment, offering a new and special carbon offset special! I have two cacti which I have lovingly raised from baby cacti. What is special about my offset compared to any other? Ahhh, I am glad you asked! Cacti are CAM plants! Which means that they take up CO2 at night! Oh joy! So while all other offsets are taking up CO2 during the day, they have left a huge gaping hole in the 24 hour day. So please, if you love the globe and care about global warming sends checks - lots and lots of checks - to me. Please make checks payable to the acronym C.A.S.H. (CAMplants Are Saving Humans).

And as an added incentive bonus for every check I recieve I will light one fart! Thereby, reducing the amount of methane in the air! And if you are worried about the CO2 produced by the combustion reaction, don't worry I will only light farts at night when the cactus are working.

(give me a fucking break . . . seriously . . .)

Vikings

"Wake early if you want another man's life or land. No lamb for the lazy wolf. No battle's won in bed."
- The Havamal

I've known for some time that I missed my accurate historical era (this has caused a strange and certain amount of resentment sans source, and therefore much displaced anger, mostly in the direction of small dogs). I should have been a viking! I'm rude, crude, and do not do well with social convention. All of this sharing and getting along shit is for the birds! To the strong and victorious go the spoils. It's just really sad that you cannot fight your way to a living anymore. When I deal with the modern world, I must, as a matter of convention, actually be polite, hold my farts, wear pants, and generally answer conflicts with rapier whit and skull crushing arguments (words!). This pisses me off.

Between the years of about 800 AD - 1100AD the Vikings raided and looted Europe at will and here's a great story:

A story from chapter 46 of Egils saga Skalla-Grímssonar illustrates this distinction. While raiding a coastal farm, Egill and his men were captured by the farmer and his family, who bound all of the raiders. In the night that followed, Egill was able to slip his bonds. He and his men grabbed their captors' treasure and headed back to the ship. But along the way, Egill realized he was acting like a thief, which was shameful. So, he returned to his captors' house, set it ablaze, and killed the occupants as they tried to escape the fire. He then returned to the ship with the treasure, this time as a hero. Because he had fought and won the battle, he could justly claim the booty.

Sweet.

Pilliage, rape, burn! And . . . in that order! Unfortunate things occur when the order is reversed or scrambled in any way. (Now I need to take a moment to address the "rape" referenced above. This is a blog. I'm using hyperbole and rhetoric, if you are unfamiliar with those terms please do yourself a favor and educate yourself here and here respectively [you may thank me later]. Those who will go onto argue that it's never funny or even useful as a device, in a blog about vikings, can go outside and play a game called: hide and go fuck yourself. In no way does this author endorse or condone the rape of anyone or anything, including dead deer)

The Vikings also discovered the Americas as well as Greenland and Iceland (during the medieval warm period - go suck on balls anthropogenic global warming idiots - where were the SUV's and coal plants circa 1000AD? - warming is naturally cyclical so quit being a bunch of guilty, self-hating liberals and drive somewhere). Yes! D-I-S-C-O-V-E-R-E-D. Before Colombus. And so what if there was already a bunch of natives living there! If they were so awesome they would have discovered Europe first. O'Doyle rules! (So do vikings)

It would be great. I know I'd have a HUGE battle axe! For sure!

No more cell phone bills. No more dependence on foreign oil. No more flushing toilets. And most importantly, if you pissed me off I would kick your ass.

Of course, Phish Food ice cream and cocaine would not have been invented yet . . . alas you cannot have it all . . .