My Heros

“The hero is one who kindles a great light in the world, who sets up blazing torches in the dark streets of life for men to see by.”
~ Felix Adler

Once again, it's been awhile, and there's a lot I want to get down. I hope I'm able to get it all out.

Working with animal research has been harder on me than I first thought. Today we had to put down two sheep. What's the big deal, right? I've been putting sheep down for weeks now, right? Well, these two sheep had been surgically fitted for in utero study - I won't describe the surgery, because I think some of you would be unable to stomach it - and these fetuses died. We could tell that the fetuses had died because we were getting no readings on the monitors we had implanted. This meant the mommy sheep had to be put to sleep so we could do an autopsy to see what went wrong. It just seemed so fucking useless and wasteful. We put these animals through enough, and it's really, really, really sad when, after it's all said and done, there are no results or useful data from their brave sacrifice. Emotionally, I'm NOT cool, very NOT cool. I cannot get used to this, and maybe I lose a part of my soul - my humanity - if I ever really do become cool with it. I KNOW these animals go through what they do and die so that we may learn more and hopefully translate that knowledge into real human fetal medicine. I have to hold onto that. These animals are my heros - real fucking heros - and I hope there is a special place reserved for them in Heaven.

Other than the sad part of my work, I really like what I do. I'm enjoying things in the lab and it looks like I'm finally getting hired on full-time. I've got some ideas about areas we can look into, and my PI wants me to draw up a proposal so I can start my own project - my own publication. Things are going so well, that I'm beginning to worry about them going wrong. That's fucked up, huh? I don't know why I do that, but ever since I can remember I think everything I touch will eventually turn to shit - like I'm some sort of gigantic fuck-up running around and causing destruction as a necessary function of my very existence. YES! I am neurotic - I know on an intellectual level that none of this is true, but it still feels the same, you know? Like boogey-men . . . you KNOW one is not under the bed, but you are afraid all the same. Welcome to humanity. Welcome to the world.

Sammy. My little boy is growing up so fast and I miss him. It hurts. I miss him so. I feel like such a bad father, him there, me here, but this is the best situation for now. It will not always be this way. I get to see him in a week! I cannot wait! I have more guilt and remorse - probably just holding onto some old hurts here - than I really care to describe. I'm just a simple man who wants simple things, and I cannot wait until the day that I become an everyday father again - God willing me and his mother can get along. She's not a bad person, and we're not the greatest match; but we sure did make a GREAT kid.

All the existentialism shit has taken a bit of a backseat - truth is, more will be revealed. I can only know what I know (I know it's trite, but it works for me). I'm a spiritually deficient person whom God saw fit to try and save anyway. (Thanks God!) My mood is a bit up and down, honestly. I'e had moments of pretty decent depression - especially when I think about all of my wreckage - but mostly I'm good - mostly. I have hope. I have faith. I have a newfound freedom. That angry man who wrote the first few posts of this blog, seems to have evolved into whatever this is today.

To everyone who keeps coming here to read this blog - thanks. To those who have actually said prayers on my behalf - God Bless.

Good night and God Bless.

Power of God

“If I ever reach heaven I expect to find three wonders there: first, to meet some I had not thought to see there; second, to miss some I had expected to see there; and third, the greatest wonder of all, to find myself there”
~ Unknown

It's time I took a moment to reflect.

I just got off of the phone with a friend. This is a man from whom I used to buy marijuana. We would often get stoned and play chess and talk about many, many, many different things. One thing I do remember was that he was not interested in God, nor was he interested in quitting his habit. Monday night this man calls me to tell me his fiancee' is leaving him - she's tired of the drugs. He's broken, distraught, and in need of an encouraging word. He asks me if I'm still sober. We talk about alcoholism. We talk about God. He comes with me to his first AA meeting and identifies as an alcoholic - takes a "newcomer chip". We talk about Jesus Christ and his saving power.

Tonight he has a final talk with the fiancee' and they decide to split up for good. He takes back the ring. Here's the thing . . . he's OK tonight. He's finally surrendered and given up to God what is rightfully God's - that is, his will and his life. It was an amazing moment, there on the cell phone, praying with this man.

The Power of God is playing itself out mightily around me. I cannot help but notice. God is not disinterested or uncaring - He's there where He's always been . . . waiting. Waiting for His turn once we've run out of ideas. You see, this friend of mine is just like me: we're a bunch of knuckle-headed hardcases. It was not until we'd reached these low places in our lives - where we had become humble, needy, hurt - that we found the willingness, knowledge, and necessity to let go and let God. Most folks do not need this kind of pain, but I did and so did my friend. You see God was waiting the whole time - He was NOT content to let us fall by the wayside and when we said, "HELP!" God was there. He has changed my life today and that of my friend - THAT is the power of God - THAT is the miracle. I was a hopeless, lone drunk on his way to giving away everything near and dear to me, and when I said, "HELP!" God heard me. Please hear me very well my friends - God NEVER ignores the prayer of the hopeless, lonely soul.

God's last message is going out to a dying world. You see, God is not slack concerning his promises to man. He is merely giving all time to come to repentance. God is calling us home.

I want to go home. I long for a better place than this.

My prayer tonight is that He carry me through, for I am weak, and when I finally meet with Him on that day in the Kingdom, I will take off my crown, bow at His feet and say, "Thank you . . . you did for me what I could not do for myself"

And He will say, "Welcome home . . ."

Veterinarian, MD?

“To create man was a quaint and original idea, but to add the sheep was tautology”
~ Mark Twain

Life at the ranch . . . I mean, lab . . .

Works been interesting. I'm learning to work with lab animals - my project specifically will be using mice. I will be breeding them and once pregnant, I will be killing them to look at the genes of the mice pup's fetal organs. Not so appetizing is it? But we're looking at some cutting edge "stuff" in the field of fetal genetics which will very likely be eventually translated into human medicine and therefore better treatment of human babies, especially neonates and NICU medicine.

I'm also an animal surgeon now. Ok, that's a bit of a stretch, but I did a few minor operations on some sheep today for another project associated with the lab, creating a tracheotomy through which a we placed a tube into the trachea, running the free end subQ up around the neck coming out through the scruff of the neck (I know it sounds barbaric, and it is a little, but we use this to maintain the "natural" partial pressure of oxygen in these mountain sheep so they do not acclimate to the lower elevations). I held the scalpel, I made the cuts, I cleaned up the blood, and I closed the wound with suture. All that medical school and my first surgical procedures are on a species I'm not. Isn't life fucking strange?

I'm not so sure how I feel completely about this animal research thing yet. I think PETA is for retards, unless you are a HOT chick, then you get a pass (HOT chicks get away with a lot), but it's a more than a little unsettling. The first animal on the table today was a sacrifice animal with many different labs harvesting organs. I did not know this at first and when the first person started hacking away at this animal - opening the chest in seconds - I was more than a little shocked. It - was - FUCKING - disturbing, and I'm not sure I'm "cool with it" on an emotional level, but pragmatically . . . we need these sheep for research and if it saves a single human child's life, I'm sorry noble sheep, but you're going to have to take this one for the team . . . my team.

The sheep we operated on were treated very humanely, given phenobarb to sleep, and then isoflurane for anesthesia - not too different from humans. The animals are scared, but no one goes out of their way to make it more scary by being abusive or shouting or hitting the animal. The animals are well taken care of and pain is controlled with meds and antibiotics are given to prevent infection.

I guess when you get right down to it, the whole "thing" makes me long for a better place . . . reminds me I'm not home yet, merely passing through, and someday the lion will lay down with the sheep and if they'll have me . . . I'll kick-it there in the grass with them too.

Peace.

Small Victories

“It is inevitable that some defeat will enter even the most victorious life. The human spirit is never finished when it is defeated...it is finished when it surrenders.”
~ Ben Stein

Tommarow . . . I start WORK. Yeah! Ok, so I'm not where I want to be yet, but I'll be doing medically related research and I am stoked. When the long journey back from Ohio began neigh 6 weeks ago, I had no idea what I was going to do or how things were going to end up. I have been confused and scared, lonely and tired. I felt shame and remorse. I have been the butt redicule and displaced anger. This has hurt. Pain is life's greatest teacher, and I'm learning. Lord knows I am learning.

What has been amazing is that I am actually watching God work. It wasn't until I was broken and beaten up that I threw up my hands and said, "God I'm out of ideas. I've been trying and trying to do this without you. So, if something good is to come of a knuckle-headed, hardcase like me, you'll have to make the difference, because I'm shot. Please help me. I am shattered." God NEVER ignores a prayer like that. He found me in that broken place, lifted me up, carried me when I couldn't walk, and lead me upon the path He has chosen for me.

I am where I am today because of this miricle, and this is only the begining journey. I know who is in control now. Lord please keep me humble lest I forget.

He leads and I will follow.