Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Sunrise over a job well done . . .



“With each sunrise, we start anew”
~ Unknown


It's 06:34 AM and I am done. I watched the sunrinse. The house is lonely and empty. I am tired. I need to sleep, but will finish this blog first.

I remember trying to find this place. We were being kicked out of a great place close to campus because the owners were selling the property. We were in mad scramble to find a place to live. We were merely driving around Redlands, after praying about the situation and the third street we turn down has a "for rent" sign standing outside. The move was very quick and barely better than a money-run circus, but we got here.

Sam loved the yard. His little feet would pitter-patter on the tile. I hope Sam remembers this place. There was anger here, sadness here, happyness here, but now just lonliness, melancholy, and exhaustion. I will miss this place - as I miss all places I have lived. I do not like change much, but that is life. Onto the next adventure . . . or something like that.

Good-bye 318 Grant Street. You were a great house.

After I finish the post, I will unplug the internet and the computer and I will close the door on this chapter of my life. I think I will look back on it fondly.

Peace.

Moving out . . .



“Odd how much it hurts when a friend moves away- and leaves behind only silence.”
~Pam Brown


There's much to blog about, but right now . . . I'm sad. I'm leaving this place. All the cupboards are empty, the closets - empty - the bathroom - empty - Sam's room - empty - our room - empty. I'm sitting in the front room typing on my computer because I wanted to get this moment down. I am surrounded by boxes. I still need to empty the fridge and unplug it. My car needs to be packed, and the garage needs straightening. It's 01:28 AM. I'm listening to Coast to Coast AM with george noory . . .

This place is empty. My wife and little boy gone on ahead. Movers coming in the morning. I will be trusting most of my stuff to people I know by reputation only. I'm taking the important things with me.

I really found myself here in California. Somewhere in this weird and strange journey . . . I found me. Those of you who actually read, know that I lost myself when I came out here. I learned my most important life lessons here during the journey from the edge. I got married and while I am not a perfect husband, I am a good husband. I try, and I am getting better. I'm hard to live with, and the steel, courage, and patience my wife shows to me and my career is amazing. She' had a hard time of the move, but she's strong and she will mourn, but come though ok in the end. My little boy was born in California. I love being a daddy. There is nothing better. Kids learn everything you teach them, so be wise. Children are the most important responsibility of any human those who do not have children miss out on this unmatched oppourunity or growth. I am most proud of my son and he is already growing up to be a good boy.

I must finish this now. It is therapeutic in a way. Gives you time you mourn as you go.

Until we meet again . . .

Sunday, May 20, 2007

Fairness, Shmairness . . .



“Life is not fair; get used to it.”
~ Bill Gates


Ok, so it's been awhile since I channeled in the inner angry gnome, but the more I heard about this "Fairness Doctrine" bullshit, the more I feel like breaking electronic equipment and punting small furry woodland creatures. So what's this all about? Well the "Fairness Doctrine" was a mandated rule by the FCC from 1949 to 1987 that basically said that if there was a controversial political issue both sides of the issue were required to have equal airtime. What's so bad about that, right? Well, I suppose in 1949 when there were very few radio programs for consumers to pick from, then it was probably important to try and offer two sides to any given issue. Is such the case today? Come on geniuses - is it? Obviously not.

I will tell you what this about in two words: talk radio. Liberals do not control this medium and it drives them nuts. Lets look at the media shall we? Where do the fruits, perverts, and mental midgets control the media? Hollywood? Check. MSNBC, CNN? Check. LA Times, NY Times? Check. Time, Newsweek, US News and world Reports? Check. Colleges and Universities? Check. In fact outside of talk radio, the defectives do not control Fox News or the Wall Street Journal, and you might argue the Washinton Post. So I am to believe that the world is unfair with regard to political message when so very few outlets outside of talk radio can be characterized as conservative in the face of an overwhelming liberal media everywhere else? Seriously, give me a fucking break. What you have is a bunch of whiney, loser bitches. The liberals tried their talk radio, and no one listened because it was pussy, liberal bullshit. We live in a free market and if people wanted to hear liberal nonsense on the radio, Air America would be alive and kicking. So since these losers can't hang, they insist on turning their sour grapes into a vehicle that will restrict what they themselves could not fight. What a bunch of sad and silly bitches . . . it's contemptable. I do not know how I am supposed to have respect for liberals and their lame ideas when they resort to feeble and anemic tactics.

Therefore . . . in reality this is just one more assault on free speech (remember "thought police"?). Liberals are losing the war of ideas in the free marketplace and this "fairness" nonsense is nothing more than a tacit admission. Being unable to compete with conservatives in the arena of rhetoric, facts and reasoned argument, liberals are resorting to the Stalinist/Nazi method of stifling all dissenting points of view. Unable to out-argue and out-debate conservative radio hosts, they will attemp to silence them.

Control all the information, and stifle the debate, you may program and brainwash at will.

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Trust Me, I'm a Doctor



“Beware of the young doctor and the old barber”
~ Benjamin Franklin


So I'm tired of packing boxes. When I moved to California from Nebraska, I came out with all of my shit fitting into one vehicle. I am now using a moving company to take all of my silly accumulations with me. I'm a fuckin pack rat, but I have managed to convinced myself to throw some things away, but not my books. I'm taking my medical school books - all of them. It may sound strange, but I have this weird sense of duty to do so. My thinking is such that in the event of the impending and future apocalypse, if humanity comes out of the otherside relatively intact, they may need someone to teach medicine again, and I'm going to need my books to do so. I think its noble, and if you don't, you can alwyas go fuck yourself (that's an option, you may also, as an alternative, choke and die. Either way . . .)

Medical school is quicly drawing to close - flying actually. Many, many conflicting emotions assail me at once - difficult for me to put my finger on them all. I should be very excited and happy, and part of me is, but I'm mostly just sad. I'm melancholy about leaving this part of my life behind me as I move onto the next. I came out to California to have a new start, recreate myself, do things differently. I was leaving a failed marrige engangement behind me and drowning my sorrows in the purple haze of marijuana smoke. I lost myself out here . . . cast adrift in a world of alcohol, drugs, and sex. I've taken a walk on the darkside - lived there - I was scared by what I found waiting for me there, but soon became comfortable with those demons. And ridding myself of them is tale for another time, but I seem to have left so much unresolved. I grieve for this fact. But I did find myself here as well. You see, my entire life I've always felt like I didn't belong - like I wasn't one of you, never could be - I've felt unlovable - I've felt like a loser - I always knew that you would never like me if you knew the real me. Well . . . I'm begining to realize that just is not true - not on the intellectual level where it only makes logical sense - but rather on an emotional level. I FEEL REAL! Fuck, if that is not an amazing realization! . . . what I wanted out here was to become someone I wasn't. On some level I'm disappointed that didn't happen, but it's merely a product of my own personal insanity. What I found instead . . . is me. and you know what? I'm begining to like me . . .

I'm about to venture into the world of real doctor responsibility. I know I'm frightened of this prospect and that my subconscious is mercifuly blocking the brunt of this paralyzing fear. I know I'm going to be a doctor - it's the process, where the pain and self-doubt live that frighten me. I know this journey will merely feed the negative I carry with me so palpably - merely reinforcing and validating the fact that I feel I'm a worthless loser. It will be battling those feelings where I will eventually find my worth and confidence. I am excited about how I will be on the otherside of that fire, but also discouraged by the work it will take to get there. Life on life's terms . . .

It is not easy for me to be this open with all of the people who may read this, but I wrote this for me, not you . . . when I am real with myself, I no longer live in the lie . . .

There is much more blog about, and it's been awhile since I'd had an angry rant. I have one or two brewing, but you must understand just how much work and emotional energy those rants have in their preparation. I have to channel something dark and angry, but it's good for me to do so. So for now, I hope the sensitive shit will suffice, for soon coming is the angry shit you have all come to love and enjoy.

Peace.

Thursday, May 10, 2007

Gits and Shiggles #2




“When asked, "If you had been in President Clinton's place would you have resigned?"

Armey's reply:

"If I had been in the president's place I would not have gotten the chance to resign. I would have been lying in a pool of my own blood, looking up, and listening to my wife ask, 'How do you reload this son of a bitch'?"”
~ Dick Armey


Man, I swear it takes me forever to get a new blog going sometimes. I find inspiration everywhere, which then procedes to leave my vacuous mind like helium spilling out of a balloon with a hole. Also . . . my wife. I'm glad she doesn't read this blog because what I'm about to say might offend her, and while I can tell you to take flying leap (don't shit your pants while you're up there), I do not have to sleep in the same bed as you (although if you're hot and very persistent, I can take one for the team . . .) anyway . . . I have lots of hobbies. I enjoy many different activities. My wife has no hobbies. Well, that goes to far. She has one hobby, and that is making sure I have trouble enjoying whatever hobby I happen to pick at any given moment. Do I love my wife? YES! She's fucking insane, but I love her, and truth be told she's a great woman (offers me plenty of oppourtunity for growth!) But I am continually amazed and confused at her attempts to redirect my attention form the things I enjoy doing. Compromise is difficult. Myself? I have evolved to the point where I can meet in the middle on just about anything; my wife, on the other hand, is still operating under the less evolved imprression that everyone who disagrees with her is a bad person and her enemy. Yeah . . . so, I be bloggin when she goes to bed. Ya kin? Marriage is NOT easy folks. Do not kid yourself.

So if an asshole gets on a plane on the west coast and flies to the east coast, conventional wisdom would predict that an asshole will get off a plane on the east coast. This little gem is a bit of the common wisdom you will find in the rooms of AA. Move from one city to another in hopes of leaving your past, troubles, and drinking behind is colloquially referred to as a "geographic" as in, "I was drinking so heavy in Pheonix because I was working in a bar, so I moved to Denver, where I drank because I had no money to ski". Know what I mean Vern? Anyway, this is not unlike yours truely, your humble author and correspondent . . . this last week as I went to the ARVO (Association for Rsearch in Vision and Ophthalmology) convention in Ft. Lauderdale, Florida to present a poster. The meeting was great. I spent most of my time talking with people who were very cool and making connections. We came up with some great ideas for next years posters (who knows we may even get a decent publication). I am excited and motivated about a field I had given up after my thourough asskicking back in January. I think i've got one more shot at ophtho and I'm going to take it.

Second yoga session sucked worse than the first. Seriously what the fuck is up with yoga. I mean chicks do that shit. Why's it so hard for me? Kinda pisses me off - keeps me coming back. I'm sore in wierd places. It's not right, I tell ya, it's not right.

Finally, what up with gas prices? Still want to try and tell me there's no inflation? Sure, supply and demand necessitate an increase in price with the booming economies of India and China, but give me a fucking break?! I paid $3.47/gallon for the cheap stuff today, and if the retarded, enviromentalist, whack job, fuck nuts, have any say about it, I'll be paying $5. Idiots. I'm glad I'm leaving this fucking backward state - progressive is just a nice was of saying "special ed" and not "special" in the way your grandma thinks your special - short bus - get it?

To bed. Tommarow's gonna be early.

Friday, May 4, 2007

Conspiracies . . .



"The world is governed by very different personages from what is imagined by those who are not behind the scenes."
~ Prime Minister Benjamin Disraeli of England, in 1844.

"Some of the biggest men in the United States, in the field of commerce and manufacture, are afraid of something. They know that there is a power somewhere so organized, so subtle, so watchful, so interlocked, so complete, so pervasive, that they had better not speak above their breath when they speak in condemnation of it."
~ Woodrow Wilson

"We shall have World Government, whether or not we like it. The only question is whether World Government will be achieved by conquest or consent."
~ Statement made before the United States Senate on Feb. 7, 1950 by James Paul Warburg

"All of us will ultimately be judged on the effort we have contributed to building a new world order"
~ Robert Kennedy, former U.S. Attorney-General, 1967.

"The existing order is breaking down at a very rapid rate, and the main uncertainty is whether mankind can exert a positive role in shaping a new world order or is doomed to await collapse in a passive posture. We believe a new order will be born no later than early in the next century and that the death throes of the old and the birth pangs of the new will be a testing time for the human species."
~ Richard A. Falk, in an article entitled "Toward a New World Order: Modest Methods and Drastic Visions," in the book "On the Creation of a Just World Order" (1975)

"Fundamental Bible-believing people do not have the right to indoctrinate their children in their religious beliefs because we, the state, are preparing them for the year 2000, when America will be part of a one-world global society and their children will not fit in."
~ Nebraska State Senator Peter Hoagland, speaking on radio in 1983.

"Further global progress is now possible only through a quest for universal consensus in the movement towards a new world order."
~ Mikhail Gorbachev, in an address at the United Nations (December 1988)

""If we do not follow the dictates of our inner moral compass and stand up for human life, then his lawlessness will threaten the peace and democracy of the emerging new world order we now see, this long dreamed-of vision we've all worked toward for so long."
~ President George Bush (January 1991)

"Yes, there will be a New World Order, and it will force the United States to change it's perceptions."
~ Henry Kissenger, World Affairs Council Press Conference, Regent Beverly Wilshire Hotel , April 19th 1994

"We are not going to achieve a new world order without paying for it in blood as well as in words and money."
~ Arthur Schlesinger, Jr., in Foreign Affairs (July/August 1995)


Anyone tired of quotes? I thought the above were cute. Lately I've been spending some time thinking about conspiracies, and the big momma of them all the conspiracy. I've always had a fascination with conspiracies and things of high weirdness. In second grade I used to spend hours in the library looking at the few books they had on UFO's and Bigfoot, but those are not the speciific conspiracies I talking about here. Like I said I'm talking about the conspiracy. I had always heard about a large governmental conspiracy, but had never given it much thought. The first time I was given summary introduction to the topic was during an amusing video of a Dr. Dino lecture (Hovind is now serving 10 years in Federal Prison for not paying his taxes) - Dr. Dino is a bit "out there" but his presentation piqued my interest. It was not until a few years ago that I started reading a lot of this stuff. At first, much of this was done for my own amusement, but years later, after hundreds of hours and thousands of pages reading, I have to say I'm a believer.

Obviously, 1) there is a lot and I mean a lot of crazy shit out there peripherally surrounding this subject, and 2) there is no possible way anyone can know any of this with 100% certainty. For instance, can I prove to you that WTC 1 and 2 were actually brought down by explosive after being hit by a plane? No, I cannot. So, my position uses a lot of what I, for lack of a better term, would call intuitive logic - meaning looking at things reasonably and making the intuitive connections as they make sense. And at the end of the day that is why I believe because . . . it - makes - sense!

Conspiracy. It's all around us all the time. Ever enter into a "conspiracy" with your friends in high school to stay out late or even out all night? Remember the cigarette companies and their denial of the addictive nature of nicotine, when they had known since the 1970's? Or what about Enron and it's bilking of its shareholders while those at the top, "in the know" were running off with millions, and in the wake, how many people lost their investments and workers lost their jobs? So puhleese, do not act like conspiracies are something only strange, deranged, and deluded people find true. Conspiracies are common and everywhere. In fact, I would actually argue that conspiracies are the rule, rather than the exception.

Question: is it really that hard to believe that the wealthy elite of this world are plotting behind the scenes to slowly set up a power structure where they are completely in charge? Think about the last 5000-6000 years of recorded human history . . . you tell me what has been the predominat form of government. Whatever name you want to give it, it was a form of government where a wealthy elite ruled the rest of the common man. Hell, look at elections in this country today - ever since McCain-Feingold - we have only the rich running for president and high office. We still have the oppourtunity to "choose" (I'm not entirely convivced every election is pure anymore so who knows how much of a choice we get) which particular wealthy elitist asshole we prefer to rule us. How quaint. And it's not about Democrats vs Republicans at this high level because those at the top have essentially the same agenda even if they might fight amounst themsleves for the jobs because the "perks" are nice. Who wouldn't do a little extra work or scheming to spend four years in the white house? (I hear they have more than one chef on staff at any given time and if you want peking duck, or braised lamb, or cereal, or mac and cheese, you get it. Sweet.)

Understanding of a larger general conspiracy explains a lot in the world. For instance the push the grouping of countries into "unions" with common currencies. The reason for the invasion of Iraq. The big push to get everyone on board the humans-cause-global-warming bus. Every move is either about controlling the "folks", making the elitist rich more money, or establishing a one world government, and usually all three at once (bonus!) Can you really not see the writing on the wall? It's a scam! We are being trained to eat shit and like it. Hell, have you ever heard some pussy ass European talk? They actually eat this shit up - will tell you how tasty it is - most will tell you they think we need a world government! What kind of fucking nonsense is that?! It's nothing more than proof positive the New World Order agenda has moved forward in the public educational and media systems in Europe and is finally reaping the benefits. You must destroy God, family, and country - the three bedrock ideals that will cause any man to stand true, and even fight to protect. To do this you merely have to convince people God does not exist through materialist based science education, destroy the family through the promotion of homosexuality and feminism, and finally destroy nations through the "tolerance" for all cultures as intrinsiclaly equally and valuable. It has worked, and the irony is the enemy is not at the very gates, but has breached the wall and no one is the wiser - the sheeple think these are good things. Liberalism truely is a mental disorder, albeit one artfully managed. The world is not evolving - the brainwashing is merely starting to bare fruit. The powerful men quoted above did not speak of the same subjects by mere coincidence. (Would you really try and convince me of a "coincidence theory"? Seriously?)

Attempts at worldwide government are also nothing new by elites, historically speaking. Babylon tried. Medo-Persia tried. Greece gave it a go. Rome showed an impressive attempt. Wasn't there a time when the sun never sat on the English empire?

I guess all I'm really saying is that the next time you hear a conspiracy theory, don't be so quick to dismiss what you may not know. Some of it makes complete and total sense if you take the time to think about.

Peace.

Wednesday, May 2, 2007

Gits and Shiggles #1


(Mad Poet by Michael Whelan)

“I am interested in madness. I believe it is the biggest thing in the human race, and the most constant. How do you take away from a man his madness without also taking away his identity?”
~ William Saroyan


It been way too long since my last post. I must admit I have been underwhelmed by the response to my blog which has metered out a bit of unenthusiam about the entire endeavor. I suppose none of that should really matter, but as it turns out, I'm a bit more vain than I often like to admit, finding more motivation, than I care to look at, attributable to my narcissism. What's a "G" to do? Roll down the street? Smoke some endo? Sip on gin and juice? (Which "juice" by the way? To be cute I once ordered a "gin and juice" and the bartender told me not to be an idiot . . .)

So what's been going on? Two weekends back I was up in central California (NOT northern California - idiots who refer to central California as "northern" California have not looked at a map recently. There is at least 300-400 more fucking miles of state above San Francisco! But, try telling any idiot California person that there actually is a world outside of California [that isn't New York City] and you will be met with only blank stares . . . California is full of mouth-breathers and short-bus riders). I had the pleasant, unfortuante honor of driving up to Fresno for a wedding. If you've never been to Fresno, do not go. If you were actually thinking about going to Fresno, please do not. Let me save you the time, energy, and money by following this very simple procedure which will give you the Fresno experience without even having to go. First go to Chipolte and order TWO burritos, one with black beans and the other with pinto beans. Eat both (you may need more than one sittin to accomplish this). Wait for the ensuing cramps and gas, and take (why do they calling it "taking" a shit, when you are actually "leaving" one) a huge shit. Look at large bowel movement. Appreciate the smell. You now no longer need to go to Fresno - you have experienced, first hand, exactly what is Fresno is like. The place is a shit hole, and while probably not the most Godforsaken place in the continental United States, it is definitely on the top 10 list.

This last weekend met my father in San Diego and took my son to the Zoo. One of the most awesome experiences of my short fatherhood. My son loved that shit, and I don't know why, but when you see you kid pointing at an animal, telling you what the animal is specifically and then making the appropriate animal sound, you feel like shitting your pants with pride. I'm almost 100% poitive my kid can kick your kid's ass. The Zoo is big - bring snacks and refreshments for your kid - or you might run into a logistical todler nightmare. We stayed in La Jolla in a place on Prospect with a view of the beach. No wonder people want to live there. Ate the most amazing Persian food for which I have little words to describe the complete and total awesomeness of the experience. I fucking love new foods. Also, and I think this bears repeated, if you are taking your todler to the restaurant, and there will be a wait for food - snacks are the weapon of choice - meltdowns have been known to occur and if left unchecked could continue through mealtime.

Finally, I have to take a few Yoga classes for Ambulatory Medicine. Seriously. WHAT THE FUCK?! Oh no! Do not get me wrong, I understand why I am taking the selective, but what the fuck is up with Yoga? That shit is fucking hard! I don't want to go back, but strangely I feel wonderful on top of the sore. A big guy like me in a room full of in-shape women sticks out like a turd in a punch bowl, but I think I'll keep going. Seriously. Fucking newey agey bullshit, but I think it's good for me.

Aaaaaaaaannnnnnnnndd . . . . . I'm out.