I should be asleep

but I'm thinking about life. I'm pretty lonely right now. It's making me introspective. I've not always been the man I supposed to be, even though I kid myself. The mistakes I've made . . .

Could it all have been different? Seriously. Could it? I mean, I'm me and life's life, based on those two truth, could I have done things differently. I'm not so sure I could have. In the abstract - yeah, OK, I could have done this differently - monday morning quarterbacking allows me to see what I should have done, but . . .

I don't even know what I'm saying. I'm alone. I'm tired. This all hurts. If it doesn't make me stronger, it will probably kill me.

I guess that's it.

Remember when . . .

. . . you were a kid? Remember how you imagined life would be? Turns out it's not. I guess I am feeling a bit sorry for myself. I have no one but myself to blame for my current situation. I just don't remember thinking, "Hey, you know what would be awesome!? If I was a drug addict and alcoholic, and because of bad choices I'd get to get kicked out of residency, pick up an assload of unsecured debt, foreclose on a house and watch my marriage deteriorate before my very eyes! That would be sweet!" No. That was not my thoughts, but that is my reality nonetheless.

I struggle with this self-pity thing. Life's not that bad considering. Lost post I mentioned my personal statement. I finished that and it rocked - rocked hard. I've actually got 10 interviews and they are even at places I've heard of. I've still got a chance at being a doctor. Research is good - looks like at least three publications before residency. My recovery is coming along very nicely. I'm doing all the things I know I should do.

It just hurts. I'm in a lot of pain. I miss my family. I miss my wife and kid. I loved being a father an husband. Maybe I've defined my life too much by these things, but maybe I haven't. Life was NOT supposed to be this way.

Anyway, tomorrows a new day, and I still have HOPE, FAITH, and LOVE. If these are not enough, then I'm doomed, but I think they are.

Peace.

Personal Statement Hell

“Be yourself. Above all, let who you are, what you are, what you believe, shine through every sentence you write, every piece you finish.”
~ John Jakes


I have not been at the blogging much lately. Mostly, because I've been busy. My day starts out ay 5:30AM, I snooze until 6:00. I enjoy the morning meeting and then I'm off to the gym, workout for an hour, shower at the gym (this is new to me, but it works pretty damn well), and I go to work. Nine to Five is what I normally work, but since we've been coming up on deadlines and we want to get many projects published - that means weekends and late-nights sometimes. Monday and Wednesday night I'm at a physicians support group. But, busy is good for me. The real reason I've not been blogging is that life's been . . . well . . . calm. It's amazing how when you stop drinking, drugging, lying, cheating, stealing that life seems to smooth out - go figure. How many of you want to read about a "normal" life? I don't know . . . all I know if that life is much better today.

I'm still living a thousand miles from my wife and son, BUT we've reached an equilibrium for now. I miss my kid. He's so awesome and he knows I'm gone. He asks to see me and it breaks my heart. One day he even started crying when I was talking to him on the phone - fuck if that doesn't hurt. He's my little guy and I'm here and he's there, but these are MY consequences and all of my struggles and metal anguish makes me stronger. In large part I know what I am today and what I need to do everyday because of this pain - life's greatest teacher.

Thus, we come to the subject of my blog today: personal statement. I'm reapplying to internal medicine residency and I've been putting of this personal statement thing. I wrote one back in August, but while waiting for enough time to pass to ask Dr. Longo to write me letter (and he has written a nice letter, a good letter, a letter better than I deserve), I decided I did not like my original personal statement. I mean, this statement has to be really, really, really good. I need to explain my shananigans, take responsibility for all of my wreckage, yet at the same time convince people I'm going to be the kind of resident that programs will want. I'm pretty good at being hard on myself, but not so good at selling myself, especially when I've dealt with this crazy inferiority complex my entire life.

Anyway . . . this solves, not much, but perhaps getting down here will break open the flood gates. Wish me luck . . . I think I'm going to need it.

Later.

My Heros

“The hero is one who kindles a great light in the world, who sets up blazing torches in the dark streets of life for men to see by.”
~ Felix Adler

Once again, it's been awhile, and there's a lot I want to get down. I hope I'm able to get it all out.

Working with animal research has been harder on me than I first thought. Today we had to put down two sheep. What's the big deal, right? I've been putting sheep down for weeks now, right? Well, these two sheep had been surgically fitted for in utero study - I won't describe the surgery, because I think some of you would be unable to stomach it - and these fetuses died. We could tell that the fetuses had died because we were getting no readings on the monitors we had implanted. This meant the mommy sheep had to be put to sleep so we could do an autopsy to see what went wrong. It just seemed so fucking useless and wasteful. We put these animals through enough, and it's really, really, really sad when, after it's all said and done, there are no results or useful data from their brave sacrifice. Emotionally, I'm NOT cool, very NOT cool. I cannot get used to this, and maybe I lose a part of my soul - my humanity - if I ever really do become cool with it. I KNOW these animals go through what they do and die so that we may learn more and hopefully translate that knowledge into real human fetal medicine. I have to hold onto that. These animals are my heros - real fucking heros - and I hope there is a special place reserved for them in Heaven.

Other than the sad part of my work, I really like what I do. I'm enjoying things in the lab and it looks like I'm finally getting hired on full-time. I've got some ideas about areas we can look into, and my PI wants me to draw up a proposal so I can start my own project - my own publication. Things are going so well, that I'm beginning to worry about them going wrong. That's fucked up, huh? I don't know why I do that, but ever since I can remember I think everything I touch will eventually turn to shit - like I'm some sort of gigantic fuck-up running around and causing destruction as a necessary function of my very existence. YES! I am neurotic - I know on an intellectual level that none of this is true, but it still feels the same, you know? Like boogey-men . . . you KNOW one is not under the bed, but you are afraid all the same. Welcome to humanity. Welcome to the world.

Sammy. My little boy is growing up so fast and I miss him. It hurts. I miss him so. I feel like such a bad father, him there, me here, but this is the best situation for now. It will not always be this way. I get to see him in a week! I cannot wait! I have more guilt and remorse - probably just holding onto some old hurts here - than I really care to describe. I'm just a simple man who wants simple things, and I cannot wait until the day that I become an everyday father again - God willing me and his mother can get along. She's not a bad person, and we're not the greatest match; but we sure did make a GREAT kid.

All the existentialism shit has taken a bit of a backseat - truth is, more will be revealed. I can only know what I know (I know it's trite, but it works for me). I'm a spiritually deficient person whom God saw fit to try and save anyway. (Thanks God!) My mood is a bit up and down, honestly. I'e had moments of pretty decent depression - especially when I think about all of my wreckage - but mostly I'm good - mostly. I have hope. I have faith. I have a newfound freedom. That angry man who wrote the first few posts of this blog, seems to have evolved into whatever this is today.

To everyone who keeps coming here to read this blog - thanks. To those who have actually said prayers on my behalf - God Bless.

Good night and God Bless.

Power of God

“If I ever reach heaven I expect to find three wonders there: first, to meet some I had not thought to see there; second, to miss some I had expected to see there; and third, the greatest wonder of all, to find myself there”
~ Unknown

It's time I took a moment to reflect.

I just got off of the phone with a friend. This is a man from whom I used to buy marijuana. We would often get stoned and play chess and talk about many, many, many different things. One thing I do remember was that he was not interested in God, nor was he interested in quitting his habit. Monday night this man calls me to tell me his fiancee' is leaving him - she's tired of the drugs. He's broken, distraught, and in need of an encouraging word. He asks me if I'm still sober. We talk about alcoholism. We talk about God. He comes with me to his first AA meeting and identifies as an alcoholic - takes a "newcomer chip". We talk about Jesus Christ and his saving power.

Tonight he has a final talk with the fiancee' and they decide to split up for good. He takes back the ring. Here's the thing . . . he's OK tonight. He's finally surrendered and given up to God what is rightfully God's - that is, his will and his life. It was an amazing moment, there on the cell phone, praying with this man.

The Power of God is playing itself out mightily around me. I cannot help but notice. God is not disinterested or uncaring - He's there where He's always been . . . waiting. Waiting for His turn once we've run out of ideas. You see, this friend of mine is just like me: we're a bunch of knuckle-headed hardcases. It was not until we'd reached these low places in our lives - where we had become humble, needy, hurt - that we found the willingness, knowledge, and necessity to let go and let God. Most folks do not need this kind of pain, but I did and so did my friend. You see God was waiting the whole time - He was NOT content to let us fall by the wayside and when we said, "HELP!" God was there. He has changed my life today and that of my friend - THAT is the power of God - THAT is the miracle. I was a hopeless, lone drunk on his way to giving away everything near and dear to me, and when I said, "HELP!" God heard me. Please hear me very well my friends - God NEVER ignores the prayer of the hopeless, lonely soul.

God's last message is going out to a dying world. You see, God is not slack concerning his promises to man. He is merely giving all time to come to repentance. God is calling us home.

I want to go home. I long for a better place than this.

My prayer tonight is that He carry me through, for I am weak, and when I finally meet with Him on that day in the Kingdom, I will take off my crown, bow at His feet and say, "Thank you . . . you did for me what I could not do for myself"

And He will say, "Welcome home . . ."

Veterinarian, MD?

“To create man was a quaint and original idea, but to add the sheep was tautology”
~ Mark Twain

Life at the ranch . . . I mean, lab . . .

Works been interesting. I'm learning to work with lab animals - my project specifically will be using mice. I will be breeding them and once pregnant, I will be killing them to look at the genes of the mice pup's fetal organs. Not so appetizing is it? But we're looking at some cutting edge "stuff" in the field of fetal genetics which will very likely be eventually translated into human medicine and therefore better treatment of human babies, especially neonates and NICU medicine.

I'm also an animal surgeon now. Ok, that's a bit of a stretch, but I did a few minor operations on some sheep today for another project associated with the lab, creating a tracheotomy through which a we placed a tube into the trachea, running the free end subQ up around the neck coming out through the scruff of the neck (I know it sounds barbaric, and it is a little, but we use this to maintain the "natural" partial pressure of oxygen in these mountain sheep so they do not acclimate to the lower elevations). I held the scalpel, I made the cuts, I cleaned up the blood, and I closed the wound with suture. All that medical school and my first surgical procedures are on a species I'm not. Isn't life fucking strange?

I'm not so sure how I feel completely about this animal research thing yet. I think PETA is for retards, unless you are a HOT chick, then you get a pass (HOT chicks get away with a lot), but it's a more than a little unsettling. The first animal on the table today was a sacrifice animal with many different labs harvesting organs. I did not know this at first and when the first person started hacking away at this animal - opening the chest in seconds - I was more than a little shocked. It - was - FUCKING - disturbing, and I'm not sure I'm "cool with it" on an emotional level, but pragmatically . . . we need these sheep for research and if it saves a single human child's life, I'm sorry noble sheep, but you're going to have to take this one for the team . . . my team.

The sheep we operated on were treated very humanely, given phenobarb to sleep, and then isoflurane for anesthesia - not too different from humans. The animals are scared, but no one goes out of their way to make it more scary by being abusive or shouting or hitting the animal. The animals are well taken care of and pain is controlled with meds and antibiotics are given to prevent infection.

I guess when you get right down to it, the whole "thing" makes me long for a better place . . . reminds me I'm not home yet, merely passing through, and someday the lion will lay down with the sheep and if they'll have me . . . I'll kick-it there in the grass with them too.

Peace.

Small Victories

“It is inevitable that some defeat will enter even the most victorious life. The human spirit is never finished when it is defeated...it is finished when it surrenders.”
~ Ben Stein

Tommarow . . . I start WORK. Yeah! Ok, so I'm not where I want to be yet, but I'll be doing medically related research and I am stoked. When the long journey back from Ohio began neigh 6 weeks ago, I had no idea what I was going to do or how things were going to end up. I have been confused and scared, lonely and tired. I felt shame and remorse. I have been the butt redicule and displaced anger. This has hurt. Pain is life's greatest teacher, and I'm learning. Lord knows I am learning.

What has been amazing is that I am actually watching God work. It wasn't until I was broken and beaten up that I threw up my hands and said, "God I'm out of ideas. I've been trying and trying to do this without you. So, if something good is to come of a knuckle-headed, hardcase like me, you'll have to make the difference, because I'm shot. Please help me. I am shattered." God NEVER ignores a prayer like that. He found me in that broken place, lifted me up, carried me when I couldn't walk, and lead me upon the path He has chosen for me.

I am where I am today because of this miricle, and this is only the begining journey. I know who is in control now. Lord please keep me humble lest I forget.

He leads and I will follow.

News, updates, and other such nonsense

"It's only after you've lost everything," Tyler says, "that you're free to do anything."
~ Chuck Palahniuk, Fight Club, Chapter 8

Damn. I've been putting off this update for some time now. I've been meaning to . . . but the willingness is really in the doing is it not? Whatever. I was hoping for better news, and I do not really have better news, but thankfully I have no bad news to report. Life isn't horrible - it isn't what I would like for it to be, for sure - but, no, not horrible. Things could be much worse. I actually have this huge lump of serenity sitting in my pocket and I'm at peace. I know the thought of that - no job, no permanent living situation, possible bankruptcy and forclosure - must horrify those of you on your "10 years plans" but you know what? And I say this with all due respect - seriously - FUCK 10 year plans! I mean I'm not recommending recklessness or stupidity - I definitely don't recommend my pathway to "success" - but, shit man, take the stick out of your ass (and the stick out of the ass of the stick in your ass) if there is one and breathe. We are MORE than our plans, and jobs, and homes, and stuff. Anyway . . . I didn't plan a rant, but there you have it.

The job front is pretty damn anemic, although I'll have more leads on Thursday after a strategically scheduled meeting with one of my former deans, and I've more than likely got a spot working on some medical research if all else fails - I'll be paid dick, but I can get paid dick working a cash register, delivering pizza, or serving coffee. I may as well get paid dick for doing medical research - get the logic? There will be water is God wills it . . .

Got to see my wife and kid this weekend. YEAH! I love my son. He's the most awesomest, woderfulest, bestest little dude in the world and he can kick your kids ass. Of course I am being objective! I resent the accusation! :-) We hung out. Played with trains, cars, and planes. We read stories. We ran around the yard and drove in the car together. I miss him. I miss him more than I can describe here. He's the greatest thing I've ever done and I'm hurting being away from him. My wife, well . . . she's still pissed. Can you blame her? I fuck things up and she end sup living with my parents? WTF?! You'd be pissed too, but she's safe and has a place to live. I hope we stay together.

So . . . keep up the good fight? I'll try. I'm not good at this, but I seem to be getting better. Talk about growth . . . well, I wouldn't wish this kind of growth on my worst enemy (Ok, so yes I would, and I'd add prison time, but it's progress not perfection, and God's still working on me and maybe someday I'll be better towards my enemies)

We'll see you guys. Wish me luck. Prayers if you like. Later.

Deja Vu

California is where you can't run any farther without getting wet.”
~ Neil Morgan

Never say never . . . it might bite you in the ass. So, I'm back in California. I don't know that I have much more to say than that. It's weird . . . really, really, really fucking weird. I had no intention of ever coming back here. It's humbling. Part of me feels like I never even left.

Well . . . I am here. I think this was the best move considering . . . considering what? Why . . . just how incredibly fucked up my situation is, of course. I don't exactly know what my best move from here is, but at least I'm here.

Truth is I'm scared and confused. I'm lonely and an unknown tommarow, next week, next month, next year, have me more than a little despondent. All I really have is today anyway . . . and that will have to be enough for now.

Here comes the cavalry and life back at the homestead

"Do not follow where the path may lead. Go instead where there is no path and leave a trail."
~ Unknown

No one can ever accuse me of doing anything the easy way. Ok . . . so most of this occurs not so much because I do not like the easy way, that is, actively and consciously chosing the opposite of easy, but rather I find myself on the road less traveled because I love to occasionally self-destruct. And here's the beautiful thing, I always seem to find the bestest times to go tits up. I'm like, "Hey! HEY! Hey there Joshy buddy! It's me, you know, you! You know, I was thinking . . . life's fucking AWESOME right now! Why don't we do something really, really, really fucking stupid? How's that sound?" and then I'm like, "Dude! I'm sooooo IN!" . . . It's a gift. Although, even finding myself in a position I'm not particularly proud or pleased about, things are coming around in a pretty half-assed decent way.

Thursday night, last week - one week ago today actually - the cavalry ride into town. By "cavalry" I mean my dad and my brother. Nice. An they have a trailer. Nicer. It was good to see them. I'd been by myself at the house, mostly going nuts, for the last three days prior. We got to work immediately loading boxes and my meager furniture in my father's motorcycle trailer until about 10 o'clock. My brother wanted to eat dinner at 9 o'clock, but dad and myself wanted to load boxes - so in textbook passive-agressive fashion he just stopped helping and lay on the floor. "Healthy" and "functional" are the two words NOT coming to my vocabulary. I love my brother, but he can be a jackass.

Friday last . . . we get up around 8 o'clock and have breakfast. We are working by 10 AM. We decide to take the fridge and new oven (it's likely I won't be paying for it anyway [HA! eat that motherfuckers!]). The motorcycle trailer packs to capacity and we need another trailer to haul behind my '94 S-10 Chevy Blazer (not an actual picture of my vehicle [reference purposes only!]). We go to Uhaul and get an open trailer. It takes a good hour and a half to get things straightened out with Uhaul because while my vehicle (from here on out referred to as the "Blizaazar") had a frame hitch present, there existed no wiring for the purposes of lighting the trailer turn signals and brake lights. Since we thought it was a good idea to have the ability to let other motorists know the intentions of the driver of the Blizaazar whilst towing the trailer, we accepted this modest delay. While waiting for the wiring we loaded two queen mattresses and box springs in the bed of my father's large diesel pick-up (he loves this truck, somewhat akin to a third less troublesome and more useful child). The load was cinched down with ratchet-style tie-downs, making the load sure, but for good measure we added tape, lots and lots and lots of tape (if a little is good, then a whole roll MUST, as a necessity be better). We considered taping around the entire truck, and this was probably the best idea, but highly impractical . . . After picking up the trailer at Uhaul we load what remains of my life with the exception of my gas grill. We just could not make it fit - bye bye BBQ grill. We initially got on the road ~7:30 and with a few failures to fly - load NEEDED more tape - and my brother's hunger and bowels (don't ask) - we were traveling in earnest a little after 9 o'clock, stopping just west of Indianapolis.

The next day was pretty uneventful, with the exception of the Blizaazar - black smoke coming from my poor little SUV as it tried to haul its meager load 850 miles. Turns out if I kept the MPH ~65, no black smoke. Nice. Blizaazar was running fine, but was probably spilling a little oil from the transmission when the pressure got high and Blizaazar got angry while pulling the load up hills and trying to maintain a speed ~70 MPH (the sound was similar to RRRRNNNNNAAAAAAAAAARRRRRR . . . scream it and you've got an idea). My father had some storage and things were unloaded when we got in.

Life at the homestead has been nice and relaxing. I've done my best to help with odd jobs and chores around the house, cleaning my dad's shop and spraying weeds - whatever to keep myself busy. My wife is being very "wife-like" and I am taking this to be a good sign. She occasionally gets bitchy and bossy and I've been ignoring that. I'm not responsible for her negative feelings - a novel concept that is somewhat new to me, and completely incomprehensible to my wife. If the Lord wants us to stay together, we will. She's a bit confused because I'm not allowing myself to be disrespected - yes I fucked up and she has a right to her anger and whatever else nasty stuff she has going on, but this is not an excuse for disrespect nor am I responsible for her feelings. She decides to to be mad and can also decide to not be mad. She is entitled to whatever she choses.

We've spoken to a lawyer about the financial situation and I'm not sure I need to go into great detail about that here, but right now . . . it's really a waiting game to see if the house sells. As I have no money to pay on the mortgage, and no known source of income in the immediate future, my hands are a bit tied. Ever since my first credit card in college to my first electrical bill, every time a bill has come for me, I've paid it. I'm not very comfortable with things right now, but what am I to do? If that house goes into forclosure, then I'll be filing bankruptcy. If we can sell that bad-boy, my credit will take a beating with late payments and such on the credit cards, but I think it's doable, especially with my wife working here and staying with my parents for the short term.

So, that's really it for now. I'm leaving for Cali in the morning - early. The Lord is with me and that is all I have, but for me, today, that's enough.

What's the point?

"But I'm quite used to being humiliated . . . I can even go and stick my head in a bucket of water if you like. Would you like me to go and stick my head in a bucket of water? I've got one ready. Wait a minute."
~ Marvin the Robot, "The Restaurant at the End of the Universe" by Douglas Adams

So what the fuck is the point? I'm back to the existentialism shtick. Does that surprise anyone? It all fucking rediculous. Seems that a few folks wish for a little more of the "positive" here. I can appreciate that. There is only so much "I'm so blue" shit that people can handle, myself included. The positives right now are the house is almost finished and I will be listing it on Friday, my wife will be getting her nursing liscence in Kansas and has a job in the ICU lined up, my son is safe and having a shit-ton of fun at Nana and Papa's, I've got plans to head back out to Cali including a place to stay, recovery set up and inplace, and a good lead on a post-doc job in a lab. So life is looking better - way fucking better than this time last week. Positive steps, postive movement, positive growth.

But the greatest use of my time here on the blog seems to be getting out all of that strange, misunderstood, and darker "stuff" inside. Seriously, I don't get it. Life is a huge fucking mystery and I hate that. I'm coming to the realization on a very real and emotional level that I have very little control over anything. Yes, yes, yes . . . I've always understood this on a cognitive and intellectual level. It is rational to not be able to control the wind, or traffic, or the fucking idiots at any given drive through window. So a guy does his best to get around all of that by controlling everything in his environment to mitigate the pain of the rest of the bullshit. Honestly . . . I'm begining to see that even doing that is not much good. Too stressful. Too many variables to account for and try and manipulate. Life's better if you do positive things and allow the rest to be sorted out by God. To some of you this may sound like a abdication of responsibility . . . please do not get it twisted. That is not what is going on. I am merely aknowledging the truth as I see it. I am only repsonsible for me everything else is bullshit or under the control of the universe - God if you like and I do.

So that brings me back to the original question? What the fuck is the point? I wish I knew. I wish i had a better understanding of it all, but I do not. It's bugging me tonight. Look at the world. I'm serious . . . look at the world! Do you think things are getting better? I don't. It a huge fucking cesspool. George Bush commutes the sentence of "Scooter" Libby (I do NOT want to know how he came about that nickname). Why did we even have a trial and laws. They do not seem to apply to the president and the rest of his cronies. Next, we have Dick(head) Cheney refusing to answer subpenas from Congress regarding . . . well anything. It's funny we are told by these nazis that if we have nothing to hide we should not mind the intrusive erosion of our civil rights in the name of fighting the nefarious and illdefined "war on terror". Well, Dick, if you've got nothing to hide . . . that's what I thought asshole . . . Contempt for the law . . . Then there are the crazy ass muslims. Seriously. What the fuck is up with the G-damn muslims. Fuck! QUIT BLOWING SHIT UP! We can't fight this craziness. You cannot fight about a few milion crazies willing to blow themsleves up. Leave them alone already. Leave that Godforsaken place called Iraq. And that is just the stuff in the mainstream media. People are killing and or fucking each other to death all over the planet - darfur, colombia, china, ect. - name a shithole anywhere in the world (Fresno)

So what the fuck does it all mean!?

Truth is, again, I've got nothing. All I'm left with is people. The sanctity of life on an individual and human level. I think once you've found and understood the pain and the growth, you might just be in the right place to begin to relate and help people. How trite is that? "I want to help people" - sounds like a med school interview. Everyone trying to get into med school says that, and they are blowing so much smoke it makes my asshole hurt, but at least they recognize the truth. The reality. It is people. It is relationships. This world needs more understanding on a personal level - that is where we can make a difference! We CAN find meaning there, even if often dissatisfying - there is the road to personal meaning. To transcend yourself and understand another human being with the knowledge of your abilty to help . . . that could be what we are all looking for. Could be my answer, your answer . . . I can't do anything about the world and the crazy assholes who control it, but I can do something for you. Maybe I should . . .

(it's a second attempt . . . )

Lonely

“Solitude is the profoundest fact of the human condition. Man is the only being who knows he is alone.
~ Octavio Paz

I'm sitting in an empty house. This is the second time I find myself in this position in about a month. I had a house, a house I bought . . . for a mere month. Nicely done Josh, nicely done. I'm alone and it sucks. My family is safe and I am glad about that. I'm just really, really, really struggling with it all right now. It does not seem right or fair - probably because it isn't - but, is not that what happens in life? I've spent more than a few past posts talking about meaning and the difficulty of life. Growth. Yeah . . . I get it, but I'm not happy about it right now. You know . . . this is not the way life was supposed to be. I remember being younger and thinking that life was so wide open, so full of awesomeness and adventure, and I suppose that it is but . . . no one prepares you for the hurt, struggle, despair, and loneliness. I guess I'm a little depressed. Who wouldn't be? Maybe "melancholy" is a better description (for those doctor friends reading . . . NO I do NOT want to kill myself, I have lost interest in things I normally enjoy and I am being quite hard on myself, but I am sleeping, eating, and functioning well).

All - probably most - of my former classmates all started being doctors yesterday. I'm not dealing with that well. My former schedule had me on call for yesterday. I was going to be working in the ICU. It would have been a tough last two days, but I WANTED those tough days damn it! I've worked very hard, and with one little choice I gave it all away for one more year. Ok, so I may yet find a job this year. There is a chance I'll still get to be a doctor, but I don't know. If God wills it . . .

So, I guess, for tonight, I will just have to be lonely. I'll go there and be there and stay there and learn from there. Even this too shall pass. Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen . . .

God I have faith in you. I believe. Please help my unbelief and be with me here in this lonely place. Carry me when I can no longer walk and see me through to the end. Amen.

Better Days

“Only he who has seen better days and lives to see better days again knows their full value”
~ Mark Twain

So . . . I'm not really even sure what I want to talk about here today, but I want to get something down on "paper". I think that someday I am going to look back on this and it will be good to see this . . . to read this. Life's been difficult to say the least. Hell, unless I get cancer or axe-murdered (is that a word?) I'm not covinced life can get that much worse - ok, maybe prison or something like that. My wife is pissed (please appreciate the bold letters) but she's not talking divorce - praise God. I've hurt her a lot and honestly, there really isn't anything i can do to make this up to her. I cannot get back her first house that she had for two weeks and then had painfully swiped from under her. I cannot give her back her dreams of this place and what she was going to do with the house and the yard - and she did have dreams, big ones, beautiful ones. She would have made this house a home. That is what my one horrible decision did to her. You tell me how you say "sorry" for that? Truth is . . . "sorry" will never be good enough, nor do I think it is appropriate. My wife has been hearing "sorry" her entire life and it means shit. She doesn't want my apologies she wants me to be the man I am supposed to be. That is not too much to ask.

I know I am being hard on myself and on some level I know I should be . . . but my mistake does not mean that I am a horrible, miserable failure - a loser. I made a mistake and I am dealing with the ginormous (I KNOW that isn't a word) consequences. I'm not happy about it and this all hurts a lot, but I am making positive choices and I am moving in a positive direction. I have hope today - that's about all I have - and it will have to be enough.

I stand at a turning point - this is a life defining moment here . . . I can chose my path and today I'm chosing the positive. Things will get better and are getting better - better days are ahead God willing.

Love to everyone who reads regularly . . .

My Personal Hell . . .

“Given the choice between the experience of pain and nothing, I would choose pain”
~ William Faulkner

I just watched my wife and little boy drive away.

I cannot seem to stop crying right now, but I think that is a good thing. I need to cry. I haven't been able to feel everything for the last few days. This hurts. I hurt. But this is reality and truth, and the truth will set me free.

My mistake. My small mistake . . . amplified a thousand times over.

I sit in my half-done house that I will have to sell (soon!) or face forclosure. Sam loved the house - was almost confused by the size and had recently discovered the backyard. I chased him around out there this morning before they left. He was tearing around giggling. I let him think he could outrun me.

I've ruined my wife's dreams of having a house. We had dreams. We had hope. I've crushed them - destroyed them. God may forgive, but I cannot forgive myself.

I have no paycheck with no paycheck expected anytime soon on the horizon. I am an MD without a training program or any place to go but home . . . Home.

I'm coming back to California with an unknown future. I'm looking at banruptcy and posisble divorce in the face of nothing substantial to hang my hat on for work. My wife will be away from me for the duration of this deciding if she even wants to stay married to me.

Why me? But that's the wrong question really . . . why not me? I am not special or unique. I am human and I make mistakes and will continue to make mistakes, but I will never make another mistake like this one again provided I remain vigilent. My life is not over, it's merely experiencing a huge fucking upheaval. This could be the greatest chance for me to grow personally, ever, in my life. I have to hold onto that idea. I have to believe there is a greater purpose than this. God does not bring His children this far to leave them by the wayside. I'm on the right side of this fight, but I already grow weary of the struggle. Thank God for the recovery community in Dayton, OH and those who have been supportive back home.

One hour at a time . . . one day at a time . . .

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.
Amen.

Domestication

“Life is intrinsically, well, boring and dangerous at the same time. At any given moment the floor may open up. Of course, it almost never does; that's what makes it so boring.”
~ Edward Gorey

Things are beginning to settle a bit here in Dayton, Ohio. Well, more specifically Kettering, Ohio, but the weird thing is . . . I live in Kettering, but my street and like 5 or 6 more around me are incorporated with Centerville and my mailing address is a Dayton address. Whatever. They do things differently here.

The house is starting to come together again. You want the story? Ok . . . you all remember scam-artist "Steve" right? Well, he had two subcontractors, Sam and Dave, in our house doing all the real work and these guys were good guys who did good work. On Friday Steve calls these guys to his house and demand that they give him the money back for the work they did at my house. Again . . . I am not joking. This guy is a piece of work. Sam told him to go fuck himself - nice. Ok Sam would never say, "Go fuck yourself," he's not that kind of guy, but the message was the same and they told Steve they would never do any subcontracting work for him again. They guys had told us when they were done they would come over and rehab our livingroom walls (wallpaper over paint which is over wallpaper which is over paint - classy!). Well since Steve can go fuck himself, they're going to start work today and have given us a good price. It is interesting because they tear off the big pieces of wallpaper, and then paint over everything with a special primer paint call Kilz, over the top of this they place mud, then sand, then they mud again, and finally finish again with sanding. This makes the walls basically like new again and no one has to strip the old shit off - nice.

As for myself around the house I have been cleaning tile floors of grout - sucks - hands and knees kind of stuff. Wasn't I supposed to be on "vacation" prior to beginning residency? Not if you buy a house. My Dad was right, there is always something to do, but he thinks I needed this experience. And he is probably right . . . kind of like if you see someone going toward an outlet with a paper clip. Stop them? Nah . . . they'll learn. HA! But the scrubbing has been quite Zen, gives me something to do instead of climb the walls. BTW if you have porcelain tiles (notice the italics because there are three major types of tile porcelain, ceramic, and natural stone) you can use a wiremesh to crean the grout off of the tiles with simple warm water - warm knife through butter - spent two days using a regular sponge and mild acid solution and that blew more than a prostitute when the fleet is in town (was that too crude? YES! It has been awhile . . .)

Also I am battling this Locust tree in my front yard. Well . . . more specifically what is left of a locust tree. You see the previous owners basically jerry-rigged (no offense Jerry - don't mean you) everything in the house. Seriously. Everything is a cut corner, and basically they did not do a good job of getting this tree out of the ground. The tree is gone but from every little root stub is a new growing tree! It's like the sorceror's apprentice - used to be one, now there so many I do not know what to do about it. Well . . . it's WAR and the tree is unfortunately winning. I used a weed tool to dig one little plant out, maybe 3 inch tall sapling and I dug back the root - it was all very surgical, extending incisions and retraction to follow the anatomy back to origin. This root when in about 8 inches deep and back over to the side 12 inches. I am NOT going to dig out every plant unless I have to and but I will to win the war. So my strategy now is round-up - some stuff for tough scrub - and well see what happens. I had to spray some of the grass in order to get everything - the grass will die - but that's all just collateral damage.

I just realized it . . . this is a fucking boring post. You may all disreagrd it.

I still need to talk about the moving scam . . . maybe tommarow.

Peace.

Finding A Little Slice of Reality

“Life is difficult. This is the great truth, one of the greatest truths—it is a great truth because once we see this truth, we transcend it."
~ page 1, The Road Less Traveled by Dr. M. Scott Peck. MD

Life is difficult. With apologies to Dr. Peck, if I may steal his opening line and use it as my own. More poingantly . . . life is fucking hard. To harsh? Maybe you haven't lived enough or long enough - life sucks. But that's not the end of it . . . life is also what we make of it. Even though there is a turd in the punch bowl of life, we can all chose how we will relate and act. It's my reality and at the close of today . . . I'm chosing the positive.

Two days ago I fired my contractor "Steve". He wasn't getting the job done the way my wife and I wanted. Of course he claims he went out of his way to do everything he could. You know, before I hang this hat totally on him let me reflect a bit. (A necessary introspection?) I thought I was hot shit. I thought I knew what I was doing. I thought I had him handled. Truth is I am inexperienced, naive, and tend to see the best in people. This often means people walk on me, but it was my hubris that occured before this fall. I gave him $5500 dollars up front. Please save the comments - I NOW know this is wrong. We had to have a lot of plumbing work done - he reassured me this was at no additional cost. So when I ask to sever the business relationship, and to recieve a partial refund of my money I am now told that I actualy OWE him $4700. I'm not joking. The caveat here is that if I don't go after him for my partial refund, he will not countersue me for the $4700. Seriously. I don't know what you do with people like this. I probably could win this bitch, but I'm not willing to call him on it. I've got a pair of 10's and the flop gives me one more - three of a kind . . . nice - but what I see out there is 10, J, Q, all clubs, and the man across from me is betting into the hand, hard. Is he bluffing? Fuck I don't know, and since I'm a bit short stacked, I'll let the asshole have this hand. Some work was done, and I grant that, but not $5500 worth of work and I think I'm entitled to about $2000 back - two bathrooms half-done, I can't shower yet, no carpet in the family or living room, and I'm having to do the title clean-up myself. Someone got the better end of this deal and it wasn't your humble correspondant . . .

I was pissed. Sick almost all day long, no appetite, very angry, very troubled, and existentialism? FUCK existentialism! But I was jogging this evening and I had a nice long angry talk with God ala Job pissed about the loss of his wife, children, and livestock, but to top it off . . . boils?! FUCKING BOILS?! Give me a fucking break God! And then it happened . . . nothing as dramatic as the verbal smackdown laid by God to Job out of the tornado, but pretty personally significant nontheless . . . the Lord giveth and the Lord taketh . . . blessed be the name of the Lord. He's in control, not me. Vengence is His, not mine. I am to pray for my enemies. I am to forgive those who do me wrong. God handles the rest and he KNOWS who has harmed his child. So that's when I gave it up . . . it's His now, and tommarow is a new day. How's that for meaning? How is that for life?

This life is all about the trial. We have to put in our time. We have to be pained. We have to deal with those things that confront us. In the end that's growth - REAL spiritual growth and the only kind that really matters. My search for meaning kicked me in the balls, but I get it . . . I'm learning, living, and loving.

Till next time . . . try and keep your tution in the classroom of life to a minimum, I seem to be picking up the slack . . .

On the road, new beginings, and updates

“Nothing is secure but life, transition, the energizing spirit.”
~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

It's been awhile since my last post, and I would have liked to have updated my small, but albeit loyal, group of readers sooner, but life happened - kind of like shit, and both concepts are not necessarily mutually exclusive, really. This may be a bit of a longish post, please bear with me.

We last left off the night before my leaving California - the sadness hard to describe - and my struggle to find meaning in a world where my role and life were changing. 10 days gone and I miss California. I realize now that it had become home. My home. My first real home as an adult. It's been tough. People in Ohio drive like shit and the cops will give you a ticket for like 3 over (motherfuckers! [need more crime in Ohio, make mental note]). I have no friends here, no family here. It is just me, my wife, and my child and that will have to be enough. Moving is hard. Moving over 2000 miles daunting, terrifying, but I'm still here and I'm still kicking. I'm sad, lonely, confused, and angry (with retarded driving), but in one piece, thank God.

My struggle with meaning has taken a back seat position for the time being. I have no idea when I'll come across the idea again, but I've made progress and I'm happy where I've come. I think I am begining to begin to "get it". Satisfying? Nope, but it will have to be enough for now.

My drive out of California was uneventful enough, didn't get on the road until like 2 PM and I sat in traffic all the way through the Cajone Pass - took me over two hours to get to Victorville. If a disaster ever hit in SoCal FORGET about getting out, you better hole up, and hope you have enough ammunition and wiskey to get you through. Made it into Hays, KS (where my folks live) Saturday evening. It was nice to spend time with them. Sam was there! I missed him, and we had lots of fun. I planned on spending 2 days, but only had the pleasure of one . . .

Because, my lovely wife who went out ahead of me to Ohio by a day, had decided our new home needed some renovations - NOW - and was up to her asshole in alligators - the kind that call themselves "Steve" and go by the handle "Handyman". Fucking-A! I had to drive all night from Hays to Dayton, Ohio, leaving Hays around 2 in the afternoon. Fuck, a man can do it, but he doesn't really want to. Ok, I need to take a minute to say that my wife is NOT stupid (she never reads this blog, so I'm not kissing her ass, merely providing some context), but she is impulsive. Two sides to the same coin? Maybe. She had found a contractor out of the yellow pages and the cost of the job began to escalate. She panicked. I panicked. I drove all night. Get the idea? Halfway to Dayton my wife calls to tell me she had established a pretty solid boundry, gotten a solid estimate of price for services - in writing - and that things had calmed down considerably. Praise God! I was proud of her. Before that moment, I was a nervous wreck and we were about ready to tell this guy to get lost and procede with the nastiness that would insue, so I was glad the situation had improved.

Turns out, Steve is actually a pretty decent guy, but a strange one - got some mild Axis II stuff. Handled properly we should have no problems. He is actually upset that he will be unbale to finish this job when he said . . . which was this last Friday . . . Honestly, I don't know what he was thinking with this job, but what I do know is that I just want people out of my house and my house back in one piece so I can enjoy the motherfucker. I bought a fucking a house and I can't even shower here yet. It's another oppourtunity for growth and I'm growing and pissed about it.

But for now . . . Joanne's bitching at me - hates the typing sound - and tommarow is my first day of work stuff so I'll catch you guys on the other side. Keep coming back. It only gets worse I'm sure.

Boning out

“I haven't a clue as to how my story will end. But that's all right. When you set out on a journey and night covers the road, you don't conclude the road has vanished. And how else could we discover the stars?”
~ Unknown

It's my last night in California. I've made my peace, and I'm ready to go . . . I think. Honestly, if I didn't have to turn in my stuff for whole person care in the morning, I'd be gone. (John - I get it) I watched the sun go down this evening over the montains - gorgeous. It's been a little windy so some of the June Gloom has blown away and you could actually see the mountains today. I wanted to make it up to Big Bear. Joanne and I were married there, and I'd like to see it again before I leave. Truth is . . . I don't know when I'll be back here, if ever. Life is unknown but I've got today, or, at least, what's left of it.

Also, I've made my peace with my search for meaning. It's all to complex for me to completely describe right now, but it's about people. And probably most importantly . . . I've learned that wherever I am is exactly where I am supposed to be. Deep huh? Basically what I 'm saying is that I am SUPPOSED to be dealing with this at this time. I am where I am supposed to be. See? I'll keep working on finding my own meaning - it's an idea and concept that is very important to me, but for now it's ok to be in the existential funk. It's all part of the journey.

I've got to meet with the chaplains in the morning and then I am gone. I'm planning on telling good-bye to John W. at noon time, and David and Siprien want to get some lunch, but I don't know if I'll be able to wait that long. We'll see. I am looking forward to the drive. I love driving and I've got enough story to get me home.

Home. I'm going home. But where is "home" really for me now? Is Hays still home even though I left there about 10 years ago. Hmmmmm . . .

I can't wait to see my son. I'm going to get a cheese blast and a funny taco at taco grande. Then it will be off to start my new home in Ohio.

It's time and I am ready. God watch over me and my family.

(I'm going to need it . . .)

California Dreamin'

“Dreams are illustrations... from the book your soul is writing about you.”
~ Marsha Norman

It was a gorgeous California weekend. The weather has been great. Warm, almost hot, during the day, but so nice and cool at night. I guess I really will miss this weather. I drive around in traffic some marveling at what has been done with the California freeways. So many cars - so many people. I've gotten used to things here. I've been spending much of the last few months picking on all that annoys me with California, but as I stand at the rubicon of my imminent departure, I find myself hesitant to cross . . .

It's all this damn existential angst . . . Was out at lunch the other day with John who mentioned his own struggles with the notion of meaning. The conversation got me thinking about my own "stuff" . . . Man is the only animal who actually questions his own existence and seeks to find meaning therein. What's that all about? Interestingly enough, Nietzsche eventually comes to the conclusion that man needs to find his own meaning. Even the atheists recognize the need for meaning. What does my life mean? I am a father, a husband, a physician, but someday perhaps a real healer? Why not. It seems that meaning will be found in relationships. Everything is connected . . . right?

Whatever. It's a 1st attempt . . .

(needs work)

The End of the Ordeal

“How do geese know when to fly to the sun? Who tells them the seasons? How do we, humans know when it is time to move on? As with the migrant birds, so surely with us, there is a voice within if only we would listen to it, that tells us certainly when to go forth into the unknown.”
~Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

It's Sunday and I've been meaning to blog ever since the movers came to get my stuff, but just have not been able to make myself. I suppose that the willingness is actually in the doing, but on some small scorecard somewhere I given myself about a half a point for meaning to update my blog.

Anyway, that's enough of my rationalization nonsense . . . the movers got here Wednesday afteroon ~3 PM. Originally, they were supposed to be at my place between 8-10 AM, but decided to pick up another move intead - I didn't realize this, but the moving industry is pretty "free-form" like this. I was ok with that because they were going to show up between 12-2 PM so it was cool and I could get a nap. Ahhhhh, gorgeous nap . . . interrupted!! Phone calls from my wife wake me every 45-60 minutes - YES! - I KNOW my family is crazy. Please be patient with them. Later calls from my family . . . YES! - I KNOW my wife is crazy. Please be patient wth her. After being up all night? FUCK! But actually and amazingly (I thank God) I was able to be present and deal with those situations without telling anyone to take a flying leap or to go fuck themselves. Nice. Growth. Maturity. Perhaps there is hope for me yet, no?

So . . . because of the wonderful SoCal traffic my mover does not get to my place until closer to three. Gerald. That's name of the guy holding my shit for the next week or so. He's the driver of the truck - he owns and operates his own rig and drives for an honest and hardworking bunch, Golden Eagle (United), out of Upland, CA. Gerald is about 6' tall, in shape, looking tough but honest. He speaks with a West-side Chicago accent (which seems appropriate because he's from Chicago). The inventory occurs first and Gerald is NOT fucking around. He inventories everything, tagging it - takes an hour. He goes over the paperwork with me, gives me a fair description about what to expect during the move, hands me a business card with his personal cell-phone number on it to reach him on the road. I sign about 10 pages worth of paperwork. Know what all the paperwork means? That paperwork means myself, Gerry, his outfit (Golden Eagle), and United Van Lines are all friends - leagally binding friends where if shit happens there is recourse and we can still all be friends. With the paperwork done, Gerald turns into a "moving animal" - damn this guy is HARD - if you are ever about to get into a fist fight with a truck driver, I would advise you to ask if this guy is named Gerald, and does he drive for United, because if yes to both questions, you'd better apologize and leave that man be!

Gerald brings a friend/"packer" - Duke (they call each other "boss" or "old man"). This guy looks like he's seen enough troubles for three lives. You can tell he's a smoker by the lines on his face, but he didn't take one smoke break until all of our stuff was loaded onto the truck. He wraps everything. He tells stories from 30 years in the business - new people and new towns every day. Packers are hired by the drivers and Duke actually lives in Arizona, but says Gerry only uses the best and Duke's one. I agree. Duke needs a larger pair of pants with "permacrack" showing the entire pack, but that was his only flaw - if you can even attribute such an idiosyncrasy to the realm of "flaw". I LOVED Duke. The man had a heart of gold and he took care of our stuff - almost lovingly. Another hard-boy. Duke would straight-up kick your ass if he had to, so don't make him. Movers are scary. Thank God I got a good bunch.

These guys packed for ~5 1/2 hours and then were gone around 8:30. I bought those guys dinner - they earned it.

Looking back, I was very stressed leading up the movers arriving. I still have yet to blog about "movers hell" and I will soon, maybe tonight, because people need to know this stuff. So after my experiences, which you will better understand soon, I was STRESSED - also lonely, I miss my wife and little boy - also melancholy about levaing California. I laid in that empty house and I cried. I was finally able to let it all go. Life is hard you know? It's not the way I expected it to be when I was a child, and now that I am supposed to be a man. I find myself often confounded and confused with what I once assumed should be so easy. That's life. It's hard. I make mistakes, but I am me, and I like me. You live and learn, and sometimes when all your stuff is loaded onto a truck and your wife and child are safe and you are having a hard time with the stress of moving from one place to the next, you just lay on the floor in a empty house and sob.

Sometimes.

Sunrise over a job well done . . .

“With each sunrise, we start anew”
~ Unknown

It's 06:34 AM and I am done. I watched the sunrinse. The house is lonely and empty. I am tired. I need to sleep, but will finish this blog first.

I remember trying to find this place. We were being kicked out of a great place close to campus because the owners were selling the property. We were in mad scramble to find a place to live. We were merely driving around Redlands, after praying about the situation and the third street we turn down has a "for rent" sign standing outside. The move was very quick and barely better than a money-run circus, but we got here.

Sam loved the yard. His little feet would pitter-patter on the tile. I hope Sam remembers this place. There was anger here, sadness here, happyness here, but now just lonliness, melancholy, and exhaustion. I will miss this place - as I miss all places I have lived. I do not like change much, but that is life. Onto the next adventure . . . or something like that.

Good-bye 318 Grant Street. You were a great house.

After I finish the post, I will unplug the internet and the computer and I will close the door on this chapter of my life. I think I will look back on it fondly.

Peace.

Moving out . . .

“Odd how much it hurts when a friend moves away- and leaves behind only silence.”
~Pam Brown

There's much to blog about, but right now . . . I'm sad. I'm leaving this place. All the cupboards are empty, the closets - empty - the bathroom - empty - Sam's room - empty - our room - empty. I'm sitting in the front room typing on my computer because I wanted to get this moment down. I am surrounded by boxes. I still need to empty the fridge and unplug it. My car needs to be packed, and the garage needs straightening. It's 01:28 AM. I'm listening to Coast to Coast AM with george noory . . .

This place is empty. My wife and little boy gone on ahead. Movers coming in the morning. I will be trusting most of my stuff to people I know by reputation only. I'm taking the important things with me.

I really found myself here in California. Somewhere in this weird and strange journey . . . I found me. Those of you who actually read, know that I lost myself when I came out here. I learned my most important life lessons here during the journey from the edge. I got married and while I am not a perfect husband, I am a good husband. I try, and I am getting better. I'm hard to live with, and the steel, courage, and patience my wife shows to me and my career is amazing. She' had a hard time of the move, but she's strong and she will mourn, but come though ok in the end. My little boy was born in California. I love being a daddy. There is nothing better. Kids learn everything you teach them, so be wise. Children are the most important responsibility of any human those who do not have children miss out on this unmatched oppourunity or growth. I am most proud of my son and he is already growing up to be a good boy.

I must finish this now. It is therapeutic in a way. Gives you time you mourn as you go.

Until we meet again . . .

Fairness, Shmairness . . .

“Life is not fair; get used to it.”
~ Bill Gates

Ok, so it's been awhile since I channeled in the inner angry gnome, but the more I heard about this "Fairness Doctrine" bullshit, the more I feel like breaking electronic equipment and punting small furry woodland creatures. So what's this all about? Well the "Fairness Doctrine" was a mandated rule by the FCC from 1949 to 1987 that basically said that if there was a controversial political issue both sides of the issue were required to have equal airtime. What's so bad about that, right? Well, I suppose in 1949 when there were very few radio programs for consumers to pick from, then it was probably important to try and offer two sides to any given issue. Is such the case today? Come on geniuses - is it? Obviously not.

I will tell you what this about in two words: talk radio. Liberals do not control this medium and it drives them nuts. Lets look at the media shall we? Where do the fruits, perverts, and mental midgets control the media? Hollywood? Check. MSNBC, CNN? Check. LA Times, NY Times? Check. Time, Newsweek, US News and world Reports? Check. Colleges and Universities? Check. In fact outside of talk radio, the defectives do not control Fox News or the Wall Street Journal, and you might argue the Washinton Post. So I am to believe that the world is unfair with regard to political message when so very few outlets outside of talk radio can be characterized as conservative in the face of an overwhelming liberal media everywhere else? Seriously, give me a fucking break. What you have is a bunch of whiney, loser bitches. The liberals tried their talk radio, and no one listened because it was pussy, liberal bullshit. We live in a free market and if people wanted to hear liberal nonsense on the radio, Air America would be alive and kicking. So since these losers can't hang, they insist on turning their sour grapes into a vehicle that will restrict what they themselves could not fight. What a bunch of sad and silly bitches . . . it's contemptable. I do not know how I am supposed to have respect for liberals and their lame ideas when they resort to feeble and anemic tactics.

Therefore . . . in reality this is just one more assault on free speech (remember "thought police"?). Liberals are losing the war of ideas in the free marketplace and this "fairness" nonsense is nothing more than a tacit admission. Being unable to compete with conservatives in the arena of rhetoric, facts and reasoned argument, liberals are resorting to the Stalinist/Nazi method of stifling all dissenting points of view. Unable to out-argue and out-debate conservative radio hosts, they will attemp to silence them.

Control all the information, and stifle the debate, you may program and brainwash at will.

Trust Me, I'm a Doctor

“Beware of the young doctor and the old barber”
~ Benjamin Franklin

So I'm tired of packing boxes. When I moved to California from Nebraska, I came out with all of my shit fitting into one vehicle. I am now using a moving company to take all of my silly accumulations with me. I'm a fuckin pack rat, but I have managed to convinced myself to throw some things away, but not my books. I'm taking my medical school books - all of them. It may sound strange, but I have this weird sense of duty to do so. My thinking is such that in the event of the impending and future apocalypse, if humanity comes out of the otherside relatively intact, they may need someone to teach medicine again, and I'm going to need my books to do so. I think its noble, and if you don't, you can alwyas go fuck yourself (that's an option, you may also, as an alternative, choke and die. Either way . . .)

Medical school is quicly drawing to close - flying actually. Many, many conflicting emotions assail me at once - difficult for me to put my finger on them all. I should be very excited and happy, and part of me is, but I'm mostly just sad. I'm melancholy about leaving this part of my life behind me as I move onto the next. I came out to California to have a new start, recreate myself, do things differently. I was leaving a failed marrige engangement behind me and drowning my sorrows in the purple haze of marijuana smoke. I lost myself out here . . . cast adrift in a world of alcohol, drugs, and sex. I've taken a walk on the darkside - lived there - I was scared by what I found waiting for me there, but soon became comfortable with those demons. And ridding myself of them is tale for another time, but I seem to have left so much unresolved. I grieve for this fact. But I did find myself here as well. You see, my entire life I've always felt like I didn't belong - like I wasn't one of you, never could be - I've felt unlovable - I've felt like a loser - I always knew that you would never like me if you knew the real me. Well . . . I'm begining to realize that just is not true - not on the intellectual level where it only makes logical sense - but rather on an emotional level. I FEEL REAL! Fuck, if that is not an amazing realization! . . . what I wanted out here was to become someone I wasn't. On some level I'm disappointed that didn't happen, but it's merely a product of my own personal insanity. What I found instead . . . is me. and you know what? I'm begining to like me . . .

I'm about to venture into the world of real doctor responsibility. I know I'm frightened of this prospect and that my subconscious is mercifuly blocking the brunt of this paralyzing fear. I know I'm going to be a doctor - it's the process, where the pain and self-doubt live that frighten me. I know this journey will merely feed the negative I carry with me so palpably - merely reinforcing and validating the fact that I feel I'm a worthless loser. It will be battling those feelings where I will eventually find my worth and confidence. I am excited about how I will be on the otherside of that fire, but also discouraged by the work it will take to get there. Life on life's terms . . .

It is not easy for me to be this open with all of the people who may read this, but I wrote this for me, not you . . . when I am real with myself, I no longer live in the lie . . .

There is much more blog about, and it's been awhile since I'd had an angry rant. I have one or two brewing, but you must understand just how much work and emotional energy those rants have in their preparation. I have to channel something dark and angry, but it's good for me to do so. So for now, I hope the sensitive shit will suffice, for soon coming is the angry shit you have all come to love and enjoy.

Peace.

Gits and Shiggles #2

“When asked, "If you had been in President Clinton's place would you have resigned?"

Armey's reply:

"If I had been in the president's place I would not have gotten the chance to resign. I would have been lying in a pool of my own blood, looking up, and listening to my wife ask, 'How do you reload this son of a bitch'?"”
~ Dick Armey

Man, I swear it takes me forever to get a new blog going sometimes. I find inspiration everywhere, which then procedes to leave my vacuous mind like helium spilling out of a balloon with a hole. Also . . . my wife. I'm glad she doesn't read this blog because what I'm about to say might offend her, and while I can tell you to take flying leap (don't shit your pants while you're up there), I do not have to sleep in the same bed as you (although if you're hot and very persistent, I can take one for the team . . .) anyway . . . I have lots of hobbies. I enjoy many different activities. My wife has no hobbies. Well, that goes to far. She has one hobby, and that is making sure I have trouble enjoying whatever hobby I happen to pick at any given moment. Do I love my wife? YES! She's fucking insane, but I love her, and truth be told she's a great woman (offers me plenty of oppourtunity for growth!) But I am continually amazed and confused at her attempts to redirect my attention form the things I enjoy doing. Compromise is difficult. Myself? I have evolved to the point where I can meet in the middle on just about anything; my wife, on the other hand, is still operating under the less evolved imprression that everyone who disagrees with her is a bad person and her enemy. Yeah . . . so, I be bloggin when she goes to bed. Ya kin? Marriage is NOT easy folks. Do not kid yourself.

So if an asshole gets on a plane on the west coast and flies to the east coast, conventional wisdom would predict that an asshole will get off a plane on the east coast. This little gem is a bit of the common wisdom you will find in the rooms of AA. Move from one city to another in hopes of leaving your past, troubles, and drinking behind is colloquially referred to as a "geographic" as in, "I was drinking so heavy in Pheonix because I was working in a bar, so I moved to Denver, where I drank because I had no money to ski". Know what I mean Vern? Anyway, this is not unlike yours truely, your humble author and correspondent . . . this last week as I went to the ARVO (Association for Rsearch in Vision and Ophthalmology) convention in Ft. Lauderdale, Florida to present a poster. The meeting was great. I spent most of my time talking with people who were very cool and making connections. We came up with some great ideas for next years posters (who knows we may even get a decent publication). I am excited and motivated about a field I had given up after my thourough asskicking back in January. I think i've got one more shot at ophtho and I'm going to take it.

Second yoga session sucked worse than the first. Seriously what the fuck is up with yoga. I mean chicks do that shit. Why's it so hard for me? Kinda pisses me off - keeps me coming back. I'm sore in wierd places. It's not right, I tell ya, it's not right.

Finally, what up with gas prices? Still want to try and tell me there's no inflation? Sure, supply and demand necessitate an increase in price with the booming economies of India and China, but give me a fucking break?! I paid $3.47/gallon for the cheap stuff today, and if the retarded, enviromentalist, whack job, fuck nuts, have any say about it, I'll be paying $5. Idiots. I'm glad I'm leaving this fucking backward state - progressive is just a nice was of saying "special ed" and not "special" in the way your grandma thinks your special - short bus - get it?

To bed. Tommarow's gonna be early.

Conspiracies . . .

"The world is governed by very different personages from what is imagined by those who are not behind the scenes."
~ Prime Minister Benjamin Disraeli of England, in 1844.

"Some of the biggest men in the United States, in the field of commerce and manufacture, are afraid of something. They know that there is a power somewhere so organized, so subtle, so watchful, so interlocked, so complete, so pervasive, that they had better not speak above their breath when they speak in condemnation of it."
~ Woodrow Wilson

"We shall have World Government, whether or not we like it. The only question is whether World Government will be achieved by conquest or consent."
~ Statement made before the United States Senate on Feb. 7, 1950 by James Paul Warburg

"All of us will ultimately be judged on the effort we have contributed to building a new world order"
~ Robert Kennedy, former U.S. Attorney-General, 1967.

"The existing order is breaking down at a very rapid rate, and the main uncertainty is whether mankind can exert a positive role in shaping a new world order or is doomed to await collapse in a passive posture. We believe a new order will be born no later than early in the next century and that the death throes of the old and the birth pangs of the new will be a testing time for the human species."
~ Richard A. Falk, in an article entitled "Toward a New World Order: Modest Methods and Drastic Visions," in the book "On the Creation of a Just World Order" (1975)

"Fundamental Bible-believing people do not have the right to indoctrinate their children in their religious beliefs because we, the state, are preparing them for the year 2000, when America will be part of a one-world global society and their children will not fit in."
~ Nebraska State Senator Peter Hoagland, speaking on radio in 1983.

"Further global progress is now possible only through a quest for universal consensus in the movement towards a new world order."
~ Mikhail Gorbachev, in an address at the United Nations (December 1988)

""If we do not follow the dictates of our inner moral compass and stand up for human life, then his lawlessness will threaten the peace and democracy of the emerging new world order we now see, this long dreamed-of vision we've all worked toward for so long."
~ President George Bush (January 1991)

"Yes, there will be a New World Order, and it will force the United States to change it's perceptions."
~ Henry Kissenger, World Affairs Council Press Conference, Regent Beverly Wilshire Hotel , April 19th 1994

"We are not going to achieve a new world order without paying for it in blood as well as in words and money."
~ Arthur Schlesinger, Jr., in Foreign Affairs (July/August 1995)

Anyone tired of quotes? I thought the above were cute. Lately I've been spending some time thinking about conspiracies, and the big momma of them all the conspiracy. I've always had a fascination with conspiracies and things of high weirdness. In second grade I used to spend hours in the library looking at the few books they had on UFO's and Bigfoot, but those are not the speciific conspiracies I talking about here. Like I said I'm talking about the conspiracy. I had always heard about a large governmental conspiracy, but had never given it much thought. The first time I was given summary introduction to the topic was during an amusing video of a Dr. Dino lecture (Hovind is now serving 10 years in Federal Prison for not paying his taxes) - Dr. Dino is a bit "out there" but his presentation piqued my interest. It was not until a few years ago that I started reading a lot of this stuff. At first, much of this was done for my own amusement, but years later, after hundreds of hours and thousands of pages reading, I have to say I'm a believer.

Obviously, 1) there is a lot and I mean a lot of crazy shit out there peripherally surrounding this subject, and 2) there is no possible way anyone can know any of this with 100% certainty. For instance, can I prove to you that WTC 1 and 2 were actually brought down by explosive after being hit by a plane? No, I cannot. So, my position uses a lot of what I, for lack of a better term, would call intuitive logic - meaning looking at things reasonably and making the intuitive connections as they make sense. And at the end of the day that is why I believe because . . . it - makes - sense!

Conspiracy. It's all around us all the time. Ever enter into a "conspiracy" with your friends in high school to stay out late or even out all night? Remember the cigarette companies and their denial of the addictive nature of nicotine, when they had known since the 1970's? Or what about Enron and it's bilking of its shareholders while those at the top, "in the know" were running off with millions, and in the wake, how many people lost their investments and workers lost their jobs? So puhleese, do not act like conspiracies are something only strange, deranged, and deluded people find true. Conspiracies are common and everywhere. In fact, I would actually argue that conspiracies are the rule, rather than the exception.

Question: is it really that hard to believe that the wealthy elite of this world are plotting behind the scenes to slowly set up a power structure where they are completely in charge? Think about the last 5000-6000 years of recorded human history . . . you tell me what has been the predominat form of government. Whatever name you want to give it, it was a form of government where a wealthy elite ruled the rest of the common man. Hell, look at elections in this country today - ever since McCain-Feingold - we have only the rich running for president and high office. We still have the oppourtunity to "choose" (I'm not entirely convivced every election is pure anymore so who knows how much of a choice we get) which particular wealthy elitist asshole we prefer to rule us. How quaint. And it's not about Democrats vs Republicans at this high level because those at the top have essentially the same agenda even if they might fight amounst themsleves for the jobs because the "perks" are nice. Who wouldn't do a little extra work or scheming to spend four years in the white house? (I hear they have more than one chef on staff at any given time and if you want peking duck, or braised lamb, or cereal, or mac and cheese, you get it. Sweet.)

Understanding of a larger general conspiracy explains a lot in the world. For instance the push the grouping of countries into "unions" with common currencies. The reason for the invasion of Iraq. The big push to get everyone on board the humans-cause-global-warming bus. Every move is either about controlling the "folks", making the elitist rich more money, or establishing a one world government, and usually all three at once (bonus!) Can you really not see the writing on the wall? It's a scam! We are being trained to eat shit and like it. Hell, have you ever heard some pussy ass European talk? They actually eat this shit up - will tell you how tasty it is - most will tell you they think we need a world government! What kind of fucking nonsense is that?! It's nothing more than proof positive the New World Order agenda has moved forward in the public educational and media systems in Europe and is finally reaping the benefits. You must destroy God, family, and country - the three bedrock ideals that will cause any man to stand true, and even fight to protect. To do this you merely have to convince people God does not exist through materialist based science education, destroy the family through the promotion of homosexuality and feminism, and finally destroy nations through the "tolerance" for all cultures as intrinsiclaly equally and valuable. It has worked, and the irony is the enemy is not at the very gates, but has breached the wall and no one is the wiser - the sheeple think these are good things. Liberalism truely is a mental disorder, albeit one artfully managed. The world is not evolving - the brainwashing is merely starting to bare fruit. The powerful men quoted above did not speak of the same subjects by mere coincidence. (Would you really try and convince me of a "coincidence theory"? Seriously?)

Attempts at worldwide government are also nothing new by elites, historically speaking. Babylon tried. Medo-Persia tried. Greece gave it a go. Rome showed an impressive attempt. Wasn't there a time when the sun never sat on the English empire?

I guess all I'm really saying is that the next time you hear a conspiracy theory, don't be so quick to dismiss what you may not know. Some of it makes complete and total sense if you take the time to think about.

Peace.

Gits and Shiggles #1

(Mad Poet by Michael Whelan)

“I am interested in madness. I believe it is the biggest thing in the human race, and the most constant. How do you take away from a man his madness without also taking away his identity?”
~ William Saroyan

It been way too long since my last post. I must admit I have been underwhelmed by the response to my blog which has metered out a bit of unenthusiam about the entire endeavor. I suppose none of that should really matter, but as it turns out, I'm a bit more vain than I often like to admit, finding more motivation, than I care to look at, attributable to my narcissism. What's a "G" to do? Roll down the street? Smoke some endo? Sip on gin and juice? (Which "juice" by the way? To be cute I once ordered a "gin and juice" and the bartender told me not to be an idiot . . .)

So what's been going on? Two weekends back I was up in central California (NOT northern California - idiots who refer to central California as "northern" California have not looked at a map recently. There is at least 300-400 more fucking miles of state above San Francisco! But, try telling any idiot California person that there actually is a world outside of California [that isn't New York City] and you will be met with only blank stares . . . California is full of mouth-breathers and short-bus riders). I had the pleasant, unfortuante honor of driving up to Fresno for a wedding. If you've never been to Fresno, do not go. If you were actually thinking about going to Fresno, please do not. Let me save you the time, energy, and money by following this very simple procedure which will give you the Fresno experience without even having to go. First go to Chipolte and order TWO burritos, one with black beans and the other with pinto beans. Eat both (you may need more than one sittin to accomplish this). Wait for the ensuing cramps and gas, and take (why do they calling it "taking" a shit, when you are actually "leaving" one) a huge shit. Look at large bowel movement. Appreciate the smell. You now no longer need to go to Fresno - you have experienced, first hand, exactly what is Fresno is like. The place is a shit hole, and while probably not the most Godforsaken place in the continental United States, it is definitely on the top 10 list.

This last weekend met my father in San Diego and took my son to the Zoo. One of the most awesome experiences of my short fatherhood. My son loved that shit, and I don't know why, but when you see you kid pointing at an animal, telling you what the animal is specifically and then making the appropriate animal sound, you feel like shitting your pants with pride. I'm almost 100% poitive my kid can kick your kid's ass. The Zoo is big - bring snacks and refreshments for your kid - or you might run into a logistical todler nightmare. We stayed in La Jolla in a place on Prospect with a view of the beach. No wonder people want to live there. Ate the most amazing Persian food for which I have little words to describe the complete and total awesomeness of the experience. I fucking love new foods. Also, and I think this bears repeated, if you are taking your todler to the restaurant, and there will be a wait for food - snacks are the weapon of choice - meltdowns have been known to occur and if left unchecked could continue through mealtime.

Finally, I have to take a few Yoga classes for Ambulatory Medicine. Seriously. WHAT THE FUCK?! Oh no! Do not get me wrong, I understand why I am taking the selective, but what the fuck is up with Yoga? That shit is fucking hard! I don't want to go back, but strangely I feel wonderful on top of the sore. A big guy like me in a room full of in-shape women sticks out like a turd in a punch bowl, but I think I'll keep going. Seriously. Fucking newey agey bullshit, but I think it's good for me.

Aaaaaaaaannnnnnnnndd . . . . . I'm out.

Shit Happens

“Democracy is the process by which people choose the man who'll get the blame.”
~ Bertrand Russell

So this week witnessed the greatest gun massacre in history, or so the media tells us, and I'm not saying they are wrong, but I find it a little hard to believe in the last 230 years of the existence of the United States there has not been any other "gun massacre's" of a similar or larger magnitude . . . maybe the worst "lone gunman" masacre, but even then . . . But I suppose that is not my point. What happened in Virginia was unequivically fucked up - a tradgedy - an atrocity. What the fuck is wrong with the world? The guy was sick - crazy - what do you do about people like that? How are people like that "made"? Lots of questions, and even less than satisfying answers. And, if you haven't been in your global warming bunker, there is no way you could have missed this story. And it is not my intention to comment too much more on the incident specifically. I think many more have done this much more elloquently, passionately, and in a way that would do the dead the honor and dignity they deserve.

I do want to talk about the political "blame game" I now see going on. Fucking political media whores! Some of the shit about this incident coming out of the European press makes me want to break fucking windows and punt small dogs (I love dogs, so if you're offended go fuck yourself). The Europeans are bunch of fucking pussies. They're given up their right to self-defense and armed regime change - WILLFULLY! - and like little bitches would like to see that greatest nation on the planet follow suit. Fuck them. I have no real patience for people who've given up their personal responsibilities. These effeminate mental defectives would blame the guns - THE GUNS! People who blame guns for this tragedy need to be dragged out into the street to have their brains monkey stomped out of the fucking skulls. You see, we have 250 million guns in this country, and the story here is: not that tragedies occur, but how rarely they occur, relatively speaking. Shouldn't we be having shoot-outs in the streets, on an hourly basis if the european cream puffs would be believed. Idiots.

Let me take a quick second to talk about guns. They are necessary for the protection of the freedoms that we hold so dearly. You see history is rife with despots and dictators - this type of government is the rule not the exception! Look at history dumbass! You see this cute little representitive democracy "experience" will ultimately fade into the anals of time as a nice, funny, experiment, if you do not have the means and the will to maintain it. The only way to insure evil men are not able to take over the government comepletely and run thouroughly roughshod over your rights is to have the weaponry to convince them they cannot. It would only be a matter of time before a less than moral or ethical character, together with other less moral and ethical chracters conspires to make sure they are in power and stay there - is fucking history - it's the way humans are. Have your forgotten idiot? It might be cliche' but those who forget history are dommed to repeat it - got that jackass? Is that a concept that your boderline retarded brain can handle? Guns are necessary to maintence of a free state. You will, of course, rarely have these tradgedies and it is worth it in the long-run. Ben Franklin was right, "Those who would give up Essential Liberty to purchase a little Temporary Safety, deserve neither Liberty nor Safety".

So what was the problem? You might have missed it, but the question in the problem. There is not a single one problem. There is no single blame. Let look at just some of the factors that lead to this tradgedy: crazy guys are not born they are made, why did a crazy guy have a gun, why was a crazy guy at school and living in a dorm, why did the school not handle the situation better, how did the police let this guy wait 2 hours between the first and second shootigs? Let's fucking blame somebody! Yeah! Fuck yeah! Everybody pile on! Lawsuits!

What? Who the fuck thinks like that? The mental defectives that's who. You see, humans are prone to error. We've all noticed this pecularity about the human condition, because we have all at one point and time noticed that we are emphatically NOT perfect. So how are systems designed by imperfect human beings supposed to be perfect? In fact, a reasonable, thinking human being would expect exactly the opposit! (notice the carefully choosen words, "resonable" and "thinking") Thus Murphy's Law and the old saying, "To Err is Human".

Which bring us to the Swiss Cheese Model of human systems theory - which basically says that for any given problem or accident or mistake there must be multiple system failures at multiple levels in the system in order for the entire system to fail - ie. all the holes in the swiss cheese must line up perfectly in order for catastrophe to occur.





You see, it is not enough to have competant people, who care, in place to prevent tragedy. Since even competent people make numerous small mistakes every single day, if you have enough competant people, each making one small mistake, which by itself would not cause problems, but lined up "properly" and you have a train wreck. That's life. That's the way things are. Fucking deal with it! And, stop using what is a horrible tragedy and a amazing exmaple of the NORMAL and EXPECTED breakdown in any human system as a platform to move your fucking idiotic and simpleton attempt to try and regulate the common man's last and final recorse - guns. Fuck you media whores! People died who sould not have died - horribly - stop using their deaths to destroy everything that is good about America! Have a little fucking common human decency!

Who's to blame for what happened Monday? Nobody and everybody. There are no guarantees in life and you have no right to be safe. So enojy what you have and be grateful for today. You ever know when the system will break down . . . grow a set and live.

Thought Police

'There is tonic in the things that men do not love to hear; and there is damnation in the things that wicked men love to hear. Free speech is to a great people what winds are to oceans and malarial regions, which waft away the elements of disease, and bring new elements of health. And where free speech is stopped miasma is bred, and death comes fast."
~ Henry Ward Beecher

"We are not afraid to entrust the American people with unpleasant facts, foreign ideas, alien philosophies, and competitive values. For a nation that is afraid to let its people judge the truth and falsehood in an open market is afraid of its people"
~ John Fitzgerald Kennedy

"There is no more fundamental axiom of American freedom than the familiar statement: In a free country we punish men for crimes they commit but never for the opinions they have."
~ Harry S. Truman

The crime of thinking wrong . . . and not even actually "wrong" but unpopular. This is now becoming criminal. What is this once great country coming to? Seriously? Take the photo above, in the 1984ish world we see manifesting itself before our very eyes, liberals (also known as "numbnuts") would like to have these people thrown in jail for voicing an opinion on homosexualty. These people, with the signs above, are obviously jackasses, but intead of throwing them in jail, why not paint out your own sign and stand across the way? A sign that says, "God Hates NO One". That's what I would like to do. That's what you should do. That's what I thinking and principled person would do. But what would the liberal mental disease mindset like for us to do? Keep reading . . .

You see we are turning into a country of fucking pussies. You hear something that hurts your feelings - offends you - waaaaaaahhhhhhhhh! My feelings got hurt. Go fuck yourself, you little bitch and grow a pair! Here's the thing, and I'll try and say this slow enough that the idiots out there can keep up: you - do - not - have - the - right - to - not - have - your - feelings - hurt. This is life asshole - deal with it or kill yourself. What seems to be the liberal solution to all of this? Oh, just make sure no one can say anything that someone might find offensive, thereby protecting everyone's precious sensibilities by making it a crime to have an opinion and express it.

Europe and its reatrded red-neck cousin (Canada) are already there. It happened in Sweeden. Can't, won't happen here? Tell that to these 75 and 70 year old ladies in Pennsylvania. California also passed a 2004 hate speech law in 2004 that automatically targets pro-life views. I mean, telling a woman she's actually killing a human being because she was too stupid to use protection, too immature lay down with a boy who she didn't want to marry, and too selfish to take responsibility for the creation of new life. Sorry it hurts your feelings, but it's your bed, so sleep in it. There are more examples of laws passed targeting just this subject - thought - do a google.

But compounding things even more is a bill up for consideration in Congress now:

synopsis of the current bill (from the sodomites and freaks wesbite):

"The Local Law Enforcement Hate Crimes Prevention Act (LLEHCPA) gives the Justice Department the power to investigate and prosecute bias motivated violence by providing the Department with jurisdiction over crimes of violence where the perpetrator has selected the victim because of the person's actual or perceived race, color, religion, national origin, gender, sexual orientation, gender identity or disability.

The LLEHCPA provides the Justice Department with the ability to aid state and local jurisdictions either by lending assistance or, where local authorities are unwilling or unable, by taking the lead in investigations and prosecutions of violent crime resulting in death or serious bodily injury that were motivated by bias. The LLEHCPA also makes grants available to state and local communities to combat violent crimes committed by juveniles, train law enforcement officers, or to assist in state and local investigations and prosecutions of bias motivated crimes."

Ok, so I shoot a gay guy because I want his wallet - that's bad. If he dies it's murder, if not assault with a deadly weapon, attempted murder, and theft (maybe more but I'm not a stupid fucking lawyer). Now if I shoot that gay guy because he is gay, I have now committed a worse crime. How? Oh! The thought behind the crime! So what you are saying is that hate crime legislation is actually prosecuting you for what you think. That is a direct and blatant attack on free speech and free thought. What happened to the country where one would fight for another man's freedom to think as he wishes? You see a society where thinking is controlled, is a society where information is controlled, and if information is controlled - DO THE FUCKING MATH! You allow people to tell others, that you disagree with, what is ok and what is not ok to think or say, what is to stop them from tell you? I'll let you know idiot . . . NOTHING! Nothing is stopping them from dictating to everyone what can be said or thought. Idiots! Wake the fuck up! Smell the coffee! No on is responsible for your reality except for you. Your feelings got hurt? Fuck you! I don't care. The freedom of thought and ideas is more important, and if you are unable to see this, you are a fucking retard and should be shot, or at least if standing at the top of the building, NOT coaxed from jumping. Jump asshole - JUMP!

Compounding all of this "hate speech" nonsense is the further hypocrisy of the mental midgets on the left. It seems that is it ok to say and attack anything Christian or Traditional. Check this shit out (from unnammed t-shirt site):



Change the word "Christiaity" to "Homosexuality" in saying above and guess what you have? DING! DING! DING! DING! You've won the fucking prize moron and jail time because you've just committed a hate crime. And in the spirit of things you" just cannot make up" right below that piece of hate shit hate shirt about Christianity is this gem:




Makes me want to pull out all my hair and break fucking windows! Hypocrites! All of them! I fucking hate liberals. But i support, nay would die fighting, for their right to their mental disorder and garbage they spill. It's not really about "hate" is it? Nope. It's about silencing all opposition voice. You choose the world you live in, just don't chose like a little fucking bitch.

Out.