News, updates, and other such nonsense

"It's only after you've lost everything," Tyler says, "that you're free to do anything."
~ Chuck Palahniuk, Fight Club, Chapter 8

Damn. I've been putting off this update for some time now. I've been meaning to . . . but the willingness is really in the doing is it not? Whatever. I was hoping for better news, and I do not really have better news, but thankfully I have no bad news to report. Life isn't horrible - it isn't what I would like for it to be, for sure - but, no, not horrible. Things could be much worse. I actually have this huge lump of serenity sitting in my pocket and I'm at peace. I know the thought of that - no job, no permanent living situation, possible bankruptcy and forclosure - must horrify those of you on your "10 years plans" but you know what? And I say this with all due respect - seriously - FUCK 10 year plans! I mean I'm not recommending recklessness or stupidity - I definitely don't recommend my pathway to "success" - but, shit man, take the stick out of your ass (and the stick out of the ass of the stick in your ass) if there is one and breathe. We are MORE than our plans, and jobs, and homes, and stuff. Anyway . . . I didn't plan a rant, but there you have it.

The job front is pretty damn anemic, although I'll have more leads on Thursday after a strategically scheduled meeting with one of my former deans, and I've more than likely got a spot working on some medical research if all else fails - I'll be paid dick, but I can get paid dick working a cash register, delivering pizza, or serving coffee. I may as well get paid dick for doing medical research - get the logic? There will be water is God wills it . . .

Got to see my wife and kid this weekend. YEAH! I love my son. He's the most awesomest, woderfulest, bestest little dude in the world and he can kick your kids ass. Of course I am being objective! I resent the accusation! :-) We hung out. Played with trains, cars, and planes. We read stories. We ran around the yard and drove in the car together. I miss him. I miss him more than I can describe here. He's the greatest thing I've ever done and I'm hurting being away from him. My wife, well . . . she's still pissed. Can you blame her? I fuck things up and she end sup living with my parents? WTF?! You'd be pissed too, but she's safe and has a place to live. I hope we stay together.

So . . . keep up the good fight? I'll try. I'm not good at this, but I seem to be getting better. Talk about growth . . . well, I wouldn't wish this kind of growth on my worst enemy (Ok, so yes I would, and I'd add prison time, but it's progress not perfection, and God's still working on me and maybe someday I'll be better towards my enemies)

We'll see you guys. Wish me luck. Prayers if you like. Later.

Deja Vu

California is where you can't run any farther without getting wet.”
~ Neil Morgan

Never say never . . . it might bite you in the ass. So, I'm back in California. I don't know that I have much more to say than that. It's weird . . . really, really, really fucking weird. I had no intention of ever coming back here. It's humbling. Part of me feels like I never even left.

Well . . . I am here. I think this was the best move considering . . . considering what? Why . . . just how incredibly fucked up my situation is, of course. I don't exactly know what my best move from here is, but at least I'm here.

Truth is I'm scared and confused. I'm lonely and an unknown tommarow, next week, next month, next year, have me more than a little despondent. All I really have is today anyway . . . and that will have to be enough for now.

Here comes the cavalry and life back at the homestead

"Do not follow where the path may lead. Go instead where there is no path and leave a trail."
~ Unknown

No one can ever accuse me of doing anything the easy way. Ok . . . so most of this occurs not so much because I do not like the easy way, that is, actively and consciously chosing the opposite of easy, but rather I find myself on the road less traveled because I love to occasionally self-destruct. And here's the beautiful thing, I always seem to find the bestest times to go tits up. I'm like, "Hey! HEY! Hey there Joshy buddy! It's me, you know, you! You know, I was thinking . . . life's fucking AWESOME right now! Why don't we do something really, really, really fucking stupid? How's that sound?" and then I'm like, "Dude! I'm sooooo IN!" . . . It's a gift. Although, even finding myself in a position I'm not particularly proud or pleased about, things are coming around in a pretty half-assed decent way.

Thursday night, last week - one week ago today actually - the cavalry ride into town. By "cavalry" I mean my dad and my brother. Nice. An they have a trailer. Nicer. It was good to see them. I'd been by myself at the house, mostly going nuts, for the last three days prior. We got to work immediately loading boxes and my meager furniture in my father's motorcycle trailer until about 10 o'clock. My brother wanted to eat dinner at 9 o'clock, but dad and myself wanted to load boxes - so in textbook passive-agressive fashion he just stopped helping and lay on the floor. "Healthy" and "functional" are the two words NOT coming to my vocabulary. I love my brother, but he can be a jackass.

Friday last . . . we get up around 8 o'clock and have breakfast. We are working by 10 AM. We decide to take the fridge and new oven (it's likely I won't be paying for it anyway [HA! eat that motherfuckers!]). The motorcycle trailer packs to capacity and we need another trailer to haul behind my '94 S-10 Chevy Blazer (not an actual picture of my vehicle [reference purposes only!]). We go to Uhaul and get an open trailer. It takes a good hour and a half to get things straightened out with Uhaul because while my vehicle (from here on out referred to as the "Blizaazar") had a frame hitch present, there existed no wiring for the purposes of lighting the trailer turn signals and brake lights. Since we thought it was a good idea to have the ability to let other motorists know the intentions of the driver of the Blizaazar whilst towing the trailer, we accepted this modest delay. While waiting for the wiring we loaded two queen mattresses and box springs in the bed of my father's large diesel pick-up (he loves this truck, somewhat akin to a third less troublesome and more useful child). The load was cinched down with ratchet-style tie-downs, making the load sure, but for good measure we added tape, lots and lots and lots of tape (if a little is good, then a whole roll MUST, as a necessity be better). We considered taping around the entire truck, and this was probably the best idea, but highly impractical . . . After picking up the trailer at Uhaul we load what remains of my life with the exception of my gas grill. We just could not make it fit - bye bye BBQ grill. We initially got on the road ~7:30 and with a few failures to fly - load NEEDED more tape - and my brother's hunger and bowels (don't ask) - we were traveling in earnest a little after 9 o'clock, stopping just west of Indianapolis.

The next day was pretty uneventful, with the exception of the Blizaazar - black smoke coming from my poor little SUV as it tried to haul its meager load 850 miles. Turns out if I kept the MPH ~65, no black smoke. Nice. Blizaazar was running fine, but was probably spilling a little oil from the transmission when the pressure got high and Blizaazar got angry while pulling the load up hills and trying to maintain a speed ~70 MPH (the sound was similar to RRRRNNNNNAAAAAAAAAARRRRRR . . . scream it and you've got an idea). My father had some storage and things were unloaded when we got in.

Life at the homestead has been nice and relaxing. I've done my best to help with odd jobs and chores around the house, cleaning my dad's shop and spraying weeds - whatever to keep myself busy. My wife is being very "wife-like" and I am taking this to be a good sign. She occasionally gets bitchy and bossy and I've been ignoring that. I'm not responsible for her negative feelings - a novel concept that is somewhat new to me, and completely incomprehensible to my wife. If the Lord wants us to stay together, we will. She's a bit confused because I'm not allowing myself to be disrespected - yes I fucked up and she has a right to her anger and whatever else nasty stuff she has going on, but this is not an excuse for disrespect nor am I responsible for her feelings. She decides to to be mad and can also decide to not be mad. She is entitled to whatever she choses.

We've spoken to a lawyer about the financial situation and I'm not sure I need to go into great detail about that here, but right now . . . it's really a waiting game to see if the house sells. As I have no money to pay on the mortgage, and no known source of income in the immediate future, my hands are a bit tied. Ever since my first credit card in college to my first electrical bill, every time a bill has come for me, I've paid it. I'm not very comfortable with things right now, but what am I to do? If that house goes into forclosure, then I'll be filing bankruptcy. If we can sell that bad-boy, my credit will take a beating with late payments and such on the credit cards, but I think it's doable, especially with my wife working here and staying with my parents for the short term.

So, that's really it for now. I'm leaving for Cali in the morning - early. The Lord is with me and that is all I have, but for me, today, that's enough.

What's the point?

"But I'm quite used to being humiliated . . . I can even go and stick my head in a bucket of water if you like. Would you like me to go and stick my head in a bucket of water? I've got one ready. Wait a minute."
~ Marvin the Robot, "The Restaurant at the End of the Universe" by Douglas Adams

So what the fuck is the point? I'm back to the existentialism shtick. Does that surprise anyone? It all fucking rediculous. Seems that a few folks wish for a little more of the "positive" here. I can appreciate that. There is only so much "I'm so blue" shit that people can handle, myself included. The positives right now are the house is almost finished and I will be listing it on Friday, my wife will be getting her nursing liscence in Kansas and has a job in the ICU lined up, my son is safe and having a shit-ton of fun at Nana and Papa's, I've got plans to head back out to Cali including a place to stay, recovery set up and inplace, and a good lead on a post-doc job in a lab. So life is looking better - way fucking better than this time last week. Positive steps, postive movement, positive growth.

But the greatest use of my time here on the blog seems to be getting out all of that strange, misunderstood, and darker "stuff" inside. Seriously, I don't get it. Life is a huge fucking mystery and I hate that. I'm coming to the realization on a very real and emotional level that I have very little control over anything. Yes, yes, yes . . . I've always understood this on a cognitive and intellectual level. It is rational to not be able to control the wind, or traffic, or the fucking idiots at any given drive through window. So a guy does his best to get around all of that by controlling everything in his environment to mitigate the pain of the rest of the bullshit. Honestly . . . I'm begining to see that even doing that is not much good. Too stressful. Too many variables to account for and try and manipulate. Life's better if you do positive things and allow the rest to be sorted out by God. To some of you this may sound like a abdication of responsibility . . . please do not get it twisted. That is not what is going on. I am merely aknowledging the truth as I see it. I am only repsonsible for me everything else is bullshit or under the control of the universe - God if you like and I do.

So that brings me back to the original question? What the fuck is the point? I wish I knew. I wish i had a better understanding of it all, but I do not. It's bugging me tonight. Look at the world. I'm serious . . . look at the world! Do you think things are getting better? I don't. It a huge fucking cesspool. George Bush commutes the sentence of "Scooter" Libby (I do NOT want to know how he came about that nickname). Why did we even have a trial and laws. They do not seem to apply to the president and the rest of his cronies. Next, we have Dick(head) Cheney refusing to answer subpenas from Congress regarding . . . well anything. It's funny we are told by these nazis that if we have nothing to hide we should not mind the intrusive erosion of our civil rights in the name of fighting the nefarious and illdefined "war on terror". Well, Dick, if you've got nothing to hide . . . that's what I thought asshole . . . Contempt for the law . . . Then there are the crazy ass muslims. Seriously. What the fuck is up with the G-damn muslims. Fuck! QUIT BLOWING SHIT UP! We can't fight this craziness. You cannot fight about a few milion crazies willing to blow themsleves up. Leave them alone already. Leave that Godforsaken place called Iraq. And that is just the stuff in the mainstream media. People are killing and or fucking each other to death all over the planet - darfur, colombia, china, ect. - name a shithole anywhere in the world (Fresno)

So what the fuck does it all mean!?

Truth is, again, I've got nothing. All I'm left with is people. The sanctity of life on an individual and human level. I think once you've found and understood the pain and the growth, you might just be in the right place to begin to relate and help people. How trite is that? "I want to help people" - sounds like a med school interview. Everyone trying to get into med school says that, and they are blowing so much smoke it makes my asshole hurt, but at least they recognize the truth. The reality. It is people. It is relationships. This world needs more understanding on a personal level - that is where we can make a difference! We CAN find meaning there, even if often dissatisfying - there is the road to personal meaning. To transcend yourself and understand another human being with the knowledge of your abilty to help . . . that could be what we are all looking for. Could be my answer, your answer . . . I can't do anything about the world and the crazy assholes who control it, but I can do something for you. Maybe I should . . .

(it's a second attempt . . . )

Lonely

“Solitude is the profoundest fact of the human condition. Man is the only being who knows he is alone.
~ Octavio Paz

I'm sitting in an empty house. This is the second time I find myself in this position in about a month. I had a house, a house I bought . . . for a mere month. Nicely done Josh, nicely done. I'm alone and it sucks. My family is safe and I am glad about that. I'm just really, really, really struggling with it all right now. It does not seem right or fair - probably because it isn't - but, is not that what happens in life? I've spent more than a few past posts talking about meaning and the difficulty of life. Growth. Yeah . . . I get it, but I'm not happy about it right now. You know . . . this is not the way life was supposed to be. I remember being younger and thinking that life was so wide open, so full of awesomeness and adventure, and I suppose that it is but . . . no one prepares you for the hurt, struggle, despair, and loneliness. I guess I'm a little depressed. Who wouldn't be? Maybe "melancholy" is a better description (for those doctor friends reading . . . NO I do NOT want to kill myself, I have lost interest in things I normally enjoy and I am being quite hard on myself, but I am sleeping, eating, and functioning well).

All - probably most - of my former classmates all started being doctors yesterday. I'm not dealing with that well. My former schedule had me on call for yesterday. I was going to be working in the ICU. It would have been a tough last two days, but I WANTED those tough days damn it! I've worked very hard, and with one little choice I gave it all away for one more year. Ok, so I may yet find a job this year. There is a chance I'll still get to be a doctor, but I don't know. If God wills it . . .

So, I guess, for tonight, I will just have to be lonely. I'll go there and be there and stay there and learn from there. Even this too shall pass. Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen . . .

God I have faith in you. I believe. Please help my unbelief and be with me here in this lonely place. Carry me when I can no longer walk and see me through to the end. Amen.