but I'm thinking about life. I'm pretty lonely right now. It's making me introspective. I've not always been the man I supposed to be, even though I kid myself. The mistakes I've made . . .
Could it all have been different? Seriously. Could it? I mean, I'm me and life's life, based on those two truth, could I have done things differently. I'm not so sure I could have. In the abstract - yeah, OK, I could have done this differently - monday morning quarterbacking allows me to see what I should have done, but . . .
I don't even know what I'm saying. I'm alone. I'm tired. This all hurts. If it doesn't make me stronger, it will probably kill me.
I guess that's it.
Saturday, November 10, 2007
Wednesday, November 7, 2007
Remember when . . .
. . . you were a kid? Remember how you imagined life would be? Turns out it's not. I guess I am feeling a bit sorry for myself. I have no one but myself to blame for my current situation. I just don't remember thinking, "Hey, you know what would be awesome!? If I was a drug addict and alcoholic, and because of bad choices I'd get to get kicked out of residency, pick up an assload of unsecured debt, foreclose on a house and watch my marriage deteriorate before my very eyes! That would be sweet!" No. That was not my thoughts, but that is my reality nonetheless.
I struggle with this self-pity thing. Life's not that bad considering. Lost post I mentioned my personal statement. I finished that and it rocked - rocked hard. I've actually got 10 interviews and they are even at places I've heard of. I've still got a chance at being a doctor. Research is good - looks like at least three publications before residency. My recovery is coming along very nicely. I'm doing all the things I know I should do.
It just hurts. I'm in a lot of pain. I miss my family. I miss my wife and kid. I loved being a father an husband. Maybe I've defined my life too much by these things, but maybe I haven't. Life was NOT supposed to be this way.
Anyway, tomorrows a new day, and I still have HOPE, FAITH, and LOVE. If these are not enough, then I'm doomed, but I think they are.
Peace.
I struggle with this self-pity thing. Life's not that bad considering. Lost post I mentioned my personal statement. I finished that and it rocked - rocked hard. I've actually got 10 interviews and they are even at places I've heard of. I've still got a chance at being a doctor. Research is good - looks like at least three publications before residency. My recovery is coming along very nicely. I'm doing all the things I know I should do.
It just hurts. I'm in a lot of pain. I miss my family. I miss my wife and kid. I loved being a father an husband. Maybe I've defined my life too much by these things, but maybe I haven't. Life was NOT supposed to be this way.
Anyway, tomorrows a new day, and I still have HOPE, FAITH, and LOVE. If these are not enough, then I'm doomed, but I think they are.
Peace.
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