“Solitude is the profoundest fact of the human condition. Man is the only being who knows he is alone.
~ Octavio Paz
I'm sitting in an empty house. This is the second time I find myself in this position in about a month. I had a house, a house I bought . . . for a mere month. Nicely done Josh, nicely done. I'm alone and it sucks. My family is safe and I am glad about that. I'm just really, really, really struggling with it all right now. It does not seem right or fair - probably because it isn't - but, is not that what happens in life? I've spent more than a few past posts talking about meaning and the difficulty of life. Growth. Yeah . . . I get it, but I'm not happy about it right now. You know . . . this is not the way life was supposed to be. I remember being younger and thinking that life was so wide open, so full of awesomeness and adventure, and I suppose that it is but . . . no one prepares you for the hurt, struggle, despair, and loneliness. I guess I'm a little depressed. Who wouldn't be? Maybe "melancholy" is a better description (for those doctor friends reading . . . NO I do NOT want to kill myself, I have lost interest in things I normally enjoy and I am being quite hard on myself, but I am sleeping, eating, and functioning well).
All - probably most - of my former classmates all started being doctors yesterday. I'm not dealing with that well. My former schedule had me on call for yesterday. I was going to be working in the ICU. It would have been a tough last two days, but I WANTED those tough days damn it! I've worked very hard, and with one little choice I gave it all away for one more year. Ok, so I may yet find a job this year. There is a chance I'll still get to be a doctor, but I don't know. If God wills it . . .
So, I guess, for tonight, I will just have to be lonely. I'll go there and be there and stay there and learn from there. Even this too shall pass. Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen . . .
God I have faith in you. I believe. Please help my unbelief and be with me here in this lonely place. Carry me when I can no longer walk and see me through to the end. Amen.
7 comments:
I know that feeling of being in an empty house wondering what could have been. Just remember you are exactly where you are supposed to be even if it's not very obvious right now.
PS: I finally posted something on my blog.
Failure is highly underated, learn the lesson (whatever it is) and move on.
Need to listen to Don Miller's Blue Like Jazz. Many good insights at a time like this.
Finally, if your family is safe then you are way ahead of the game.
To: AFGO
Please pass this on to mudphudder
To: mudphudder
From: deadeye
Need to allow anonymous and other identity replies.
Hey how about changing the background to a light shade with dark letters. Us old folks have trouble reading white letters on black. Just a thought.
Yes, neurology - know everything unable to do anything. You will be much happier in a "lets fix it" specialty - I make offer no specific specialties.
Enjoyed the lead in pic. Describes my attitude, but at my age I am to slow avoid the full impact of the lighting bolt.
Dude... you're bringing me down.
Failure is underated. In a sense, it's kind of liberating... a removing of the shackles if you wish.
One piece of advice, from someone who has failed mightily before: acknowledge what it is you did wrong that brought about this turn of events and be self-vigilant so that it doesn't happen again. And then try your durndest to move forward. Motion is the most important thing.
@deadeye
Switched the design. Hopefully it's easier on the eye. I also allowed comments from non registered users.
david,
My bad. I'm just blogging about where I am man.
Things are moving forward and life is looking better.
You get a snapshot and most of the time it's been a painful snapshot because getting this stuff down on "paper" and out "there" is therapeutic for me.
Thanks for reading. I appreciate every comment here from everyone. It means a lot.
Hey, man, just getting caught up on your posts--sounds like a lot has happened/is happening. Not sure what the story is, not sure if it's any of my business, but if you are indeed coming out California way and you want, feel free to get in touch with me. I've got an email address posted on my blog. I'm praying for you, brother.
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