“Only he who has seen better days and lives to see better days again knows their full value”
~ Mark Twain
So . . . I'm not really even sure what I want to talk about here today, but I want to get something down on "paper". I think that someday I am going to look back on this and it will be good to see this . . . to read this. Life's been difficult to say the least. Hell, unless I get cancer or axe-murdered (is that a word?) I'm not covinced life can get that much worse - ok, maybe prison or something like that. My wife is pissed (please appreciate the bold letters) but she's not talking divorce - praise God. I've hurt her a lot and honestly, there really isn't anything i can do to make this up to her. I cannot get back her first house that she had for two weeks and then had painfully swiped from under her. I cannot give her back her dreams of this place and what she was going to do with the house and the yard - and she did have dreams, big ones, beautiful ones. She would have made this house a home. That is what my one horrible decision did to her. You tell me how you say "sorry" for that? Truth is . . . "sorry" will never be good enough, nor do I think it is appropriate. My wife has been hearing "sorry" her entire life and it means shit. She doesn't want my apologies she wants me to be the man I am supposed to be. That is not too much to ask.
I know I am being hard on myself and on some level I know I should be . . . but my mistake does not mean that I am a horrible, miserable failure - a loser. I made a mistake and I am dealing with the ginormous (I KNOW that isn't a word) consequences. I'm not happy about it and this all hurts a lot, but I am making positive choices and I am moving in a positive direction. I have hope today - that's about all I have - and it will have to be enough.
I stand at a turning point - this is a life defining moment here . . . I can chose my path and today I'm chosing the positive. Things will get better and are getting better - better days are ahead God willing.
Love to everyone who reads regularly . . .
2 comments:
To those who know you best and know of your circumstances there is not a sliver of doubt that you will overcome and achieve as a person, personally and professionally.
The unknown pertains to your interpersonal relationships. The many variables are not well enough known to predict outcomes, but as with most things of this nature a contrite heart avails much and I see evidence of that in you blog.
Your friends and champions feel you pain even if self inflicted. May God be with you.
I'll save the rest of what I was going to say for the phone. Just wanted to let you know I was thinking about you. Hang in there man.
Post a Comment