"But I'm quite used to being humiliated . . . I can even go and stick my head in a bucket of water if you like. Would you like me to go and stick my head in a bucket of water? I've got one ready. Wait a minute."
~ Marvin the Robot, "The Restaurant at the End of the Universe" by Douglas Adams
So what the fuck is the point? I'm back to the existentialism shtick. Does that surprise anyone? It all fucking rediculous. Seems that a few folks wish for a little more of the "positive" here. I can appreciate that. There is only so much "I'm so blue" shit that people can handle, myself included. The positives right now are the house is almost finished and I will be listing it on Friday, my wife will be getting her nursing liscence in Kansas and has a job in the ICU lined up, my son is safe and having a shit-ton of fun at Nana and Papa's, I've got plans to head back out to Cali including a place to stay, recovery set up and inplace, and a good lead on a post-doc job in a lab. So life is looking better - way fucking better than this time last week. Positive steps, postive movement, positive growth.
But the greatest use of my time here on the blog seems to be getting out all of that strange, misunderstood, and darker "stuff" inside. Seriously, I don't get it. Life is a huge fucking mystery and I hate that. I'm coming to the realization on a very real and emotional level that I have very little control over anything. Yes, yes, yes . . . I've always understood this on a cognitive and intellectual level. It is rational to not be able to control the wind, or traffic, or the fucking idiots at any given drive through window. So a guy does his best to get around all of that by controlling everything in his environment to mitigate the pain of the rest of the bullshit. Honestly . . . I'm begining to see that even doing that is not much good. Too stressful. Too many variables to account for and try and manipulate. Life's better if you do positive things and allow the rest to be sorted out by God. To some of you this may sound like a abdication of responsibility . . . please do not get it twisted. That is not what is going on. I am merely aknowledging the truth as I see it. I am only repsonsible for me everything else is bullshit or under the control of the universe - God if you like and I do.
So that brings me back to the original question? What the fuck is the point? I wish I knew. I wish i had a better understanding of it all, but I do not. It's bugging me tonight. Look at the world. I'm serious . . . look at the world! Do you think things are getting better? I don't. It a huge fucking cesspool. George Bush commutes the sentence of "Scooter" Libby (I do NOT want to know how he came about that nickname). Why did we even have a trial and laws. They do not seem to apply to the president and the rest of his cronies. Next, we have Dick(head) Cheney refusing to answer subpenas from Congress regarding . . . well anything. It's funny we are told by these nazis that if we have nothing to hide we should not mind the intrusive erosion of our civil rights in the name of fighting the nefarious and illdefined "war on terror". Well, Dick, if you've got nothing to hide . . . that's what I thought asshole . . . Contempt for the law . . . Then there are the crazy ass muslims. Seriously. What the fuck is up with the G-damn muslims. Fuck! QUIT BLOWING SHIT UP! We can't fight this craziness. You cannot fight about a few milion crazies willing to blow themsleves up. Leave them alone already. Leave that Godforsaken place called Iraq. And that is just the stuff in the mainstream media. People are killing and or fucking each other to death all over the planet - darfur, colombia, china, ect. - name a shithole anywhere in the world (Fresno)
So what the fuck does it all mean!?
Truth is, again, I've got nothing. All I'm left with is people. The sanctity of life on an individual and human level. I think once you've found and understood the pain and the growth, you might just be in the right place to begin to relate and help people. How trite is that? "I want to help people" - sounds like a med school interview. Everyone trying to get into med school says that, and they are blowing so much smoke it makes my asshole hurt, but at least they recognize the truth. The reality. It is people. It is relationships. This world needs more understanding on a personal level - that is where we can make a difference! We CAN find meaning there, even if often dissatisfying - there is the road to personal meaning. To transcend yourself and understand another human being with the knowledge of your abilty to help . . . that could be what we are all looking for. Could be my answer, your answer . . . I can't do anything about the world and the crazy assholes who control it, but I can do something for you. Maybe I should . . .
(it's a second attempt . . . )
1 comment:
One nice thing about being a little older is that I came to my youth slightly before the "hippie generation" well actually to busy on the farm to pay much attention to the hippie life style.
So whats the point? Well this, I didn't have to define the word existentialism or try to understand what it mean't in my life. I am a fairly educated person and I still am unsure of the definition of existentialism. So, don't ponder to much, just count your blessings and keep looking for the sunrise it a coming.
Yes the Bush administration is corrupt but in retrospect so was every other administration preceding it. It took me a long time to realize that fact but it is true never the less. I finally understand the strong desire to hold high national office and that is this - it is the perfect place to obtain blanket protection from committed crimes. I should have been a politician instead of a ????
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