Life, the Universe, and Everything . . .

I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be.
~Douglas Adams

Three blogs into my less than illustrious blogging endeavor and I actually have the temerity to attempt the blog that will end all blogs! Reckless, brash, and foolhardy . . . I will attempt to answer the ultimate question: what is the answer to life the universe and everything? [*insert drumroll here*] HA! I wish I knew! Made you look! Douglas Adams suggested the answer was 42 . . . a less than satisfying answer but one none the less.

As it turns out the universe is a really, really freaking big place. Imagine the biggest place you can think of and the universe is probably bigger . . . probably. The Hubble Space Telescope has photographed the entire known visible universe. The closest of those galaxies to us is Andromeda at a mere 2 million light years away. For those mental midgets who might be having a hard time understanding this concept, a light year is the distance that light will travel in one Earth year. The speed of light is 186,282.397 miles per second. Therefore, doing the 'rithmatic we have: 1.17 x 10^19 miles away (*sigh* and for you who do not have the learning nor understanding to fathom scientific notation, let me make it even easier: 117,000,000,000,000,000,000 miles away).

Further compounding the awesomeness and vastness of it all is another tricky subject: dark matter. This is "stuff" that is NOT seen, but merely inferred, and accounts for most of the mass in the observable universe. Huh? What the fuck?! (Yes, spelled out, not "WTF", which is a fucking lame and retarded acronym). Yes. We have no clue what most of the universe is all about. Amazing when you think about it. Yet materialist philosophers wish to impose upon me the idea that we know enough about said "unknown" universe to discount the existence of a Creator. I know the kool-aid is lovely boys(!), but I think I'll stick with what I'm drinking - tastes good - wish it was "spicy sauce" (created by myself and dubbed "spicy sauce" by my college friends, this is my liquid contribution for a good time to the world. Recipe for spicy sauce: one plastic gallon jug of H20, one liter vodka, one liter triple sec, one pint cocconut rum, one liter margarhetta mix; dump the water out of the jug, pour contents of all four liquids into gallon, drink straight over ice or mixed half and half with 7up; *bonus* carrying around the jug at the party will be a conversational piece, and the ladies LOVE the "spicy sauce" ["spicy sauce" MUST as a matter of convention always be referenced in the third person])

So what's it all about anyway? Wish I knew. What I do know is that the unknown for me is frightening. I stand at the rubicon and wish to cross over, but find myself paralyzed by my own trepidation and indecision. In a few short months I will be expected to start taking care of real people with real medical problems - fuck me if the thought of it kicks me in the balls and won't stop. I'm a smart guy - know it - will tell you so - no problems - but my biggest demon is the one that lives within - that nagging self-doubt and insecurity. I've never felt "good-enough" - never. Maybe I set my own personal bar too high? Maybe I'm just a jackass. And maybe, just maybe, I'm a human being.

Here's the thing . . . my life experience, and I've had more in the last fews years than I really enjoyed (repeating 2nd year of med school, not matching, failing boards CS, spending two months away from my family, etc.), has shown me that it is really only through pain that anything good can happen. Growth only occurs when I hurt. I spent much of my life running from that hurt, but now with a new understanding and a new determinism I see that the fear I will always have with me. All I can do is one day at a time. Cliche'? VERY. Almost makes me want to puke to say it, but its true. All you really have is today - now. Do what needs doing today, and you can handle tommarow the same way. The pain - the fear - the anxiety - that's growth asshole! So pay attention! I am where I am and I am who I am because of the shit . . . you are where you are supposed to be my friend.

Finally, when the unknown gets to be too much - remember the "known". For me that's a wife, a son, four walls, a roof, food in the fridge, cars that start, air conditioning that works, health, etc. Reality check motherfucker - pay attention to what "is" - know - before you start bitching about everything else. Remember most of the world lives in a mud hut . . .

It's your reality and your responsibility. Make of it what you will. Remember you can never know the true steel or mettle of a man unless you've seen him take a shot. Does he go down like a little weepy bitch, or does he stand back up with his fists raised and his teeth clenched and ask, "is that the best you've got, because now I'm gonna kick your ass"?

What do we really know . . . indeed . . . we know much more than we think we don't and much less thank we think we do. Be true. Be real. Walk through the fire because when it passes over, you will find that you remain.