Hey Guis! We're from the government and we're here to help you!

"The liberties of our Country, the freedom of our civil constitution are worth defending at all hazards: And it is our duty to defend them against all attacks. We have receiv'd them as a fair Inheritance from our worthy Ancestors: They purchas'd them for us with toil and danger and expence of treasure and blood; and transmitted them to us with care and diligence. It will bring an everlasting mark of infamy on the present generation, enlightened as it is, if we should suffer them to be wrested from us by violence without a struggle; or be cheated out of them by the artifices of false and designing men. Of the latter we are in most danger at present: Let us therefore be aware of it. Let us contemplate our forefathers and posterity; and resolve to maintain the rights bequeath'd to us from the former, for the sake of the latter." ~ Samuel Adams, writing under the pseudonym, "Candidus," in The Boston Gazette (14 October 1771

Those who forget their history are doomed to repeat it . . . no? How many times have you heard that? Yet, what kind connection have you made? Let us pay attention, shall we . . . the subject of this blog today: the encroaching police and military state.

I've been troubled for a long time by the increasing militarization of out police and now our government has seen fit to merely forget about militarizing the police and bring in the military itself. The prompt for today's blog is this article from the Phoenix Business Journal online entitled: "Ariz. police say they are prepared as War College warns military must prep for unrest; IMF warns of economic riots" . . . nice. The Army War College says that likely the military will be used against the American people if we get upset when the government, through it's own deliberate actions, brings in economic collapse.

Beginning in October the DoD announced 5000 troops for the rapid response in the homeland, reports the Army Times. This article is talking about the 1st Combat Brigade of the 3rd INfantry division, and the article starts by saying, "The 3rd Infantry Division’s 1st Brigade Combat Team has spent 35 of the last 60 months in Iraq patrolling in full battle rattle, helping restore essential services and escorting supply convoys. Now they’re training for the same mission — with a twist — at home." The article further goes onto say, "They may be called upon to help with civil unrest and crowd control . . ."

Nonchalant. No big deal. Help with "civil unrest," a "combat team," with the same mission as in Iraq, do, de, do, de, do, de, do . . . (*sound of screeching tires, to a halt*) . . . Wait! WHAT?! What the fuck did they just say?! Yeah. They just said that. Scratching your head yet? We don't need the army to operate the "jaws-of-life" at accident sites, or handing out food, or getting kittens out of trees - we have Police, Fire, Rescue, and National Guard . . . the Army? Don't they blow shit up and break things!

And there is more . . . now on Dec. 1st, the Washington Post is reporting that the Pentagon plans to have 20,000 troops here, assigned to NorthCOM by 2011. Does it not keep getting better?

And if that was not enough, how about Marines teaming up with the California Highway Patrol to run traffic stops in San Bernardino County, Southern California? Making this story every more interesting is that the CHP initially issued a press release stating the Marines would be helping out, but then when the predictable shit storm began because people are generally against the military on the street, CHP issued another press release saying the Marines would NOT be in attendance . . . ok . . . then why were the Marines then in attendance after the denial. Don't believe this stuff? Follow the links - CHP press releases here.

So what the big deal? It's only kind of illegal . . . the Posse Comitatus Act makes it illegal for the government to use the military in police actions that maintain law and order on non-federal property. The Insurrection Act of 1807 does allow the President to use the military in the case of "insurrection, domestic violence, unlawful combination, or conspiracy" . . . However, the 2008 Defense Authorization Bill (after a full repeal of the John Warner Defense Act) now gives the president power to use the military also for "natural disaster, epidemic, or other serious public health emergency, terrorist attack or incident, or other condition" (WTF is "other considtion" anyway? Some definitions here would be nice) and then only if "domestic violence has occurred to such an extent that the constituted authorities of the State or possession are incapable of maintaining public order." I think Cato Institute Vice President Gene Healy said it very well when he said, "There's a notion that whenever there's an important problem, that the thing to do is to call in the boys in green, and that's at odds with our long-standing tradition of being wary of the use of standing armies to keep the peace."

Which brings me to my final point. Why is the government and our military planning to bring troops home for work with NorthCOM? Why have new laws been passed that allow the President powers to maintain "public order" . . . think about it. Think hard about it. These troops are not for terrorists any more than they are for pop-eye the sailor man. These troops - are - for . . . us. We are falling headlong into the wrost economic collapse that the modern world has ever known, and the government knows things are going to get bad. They know there will be riots. You tell me how you get a populace ready for troops on the streets and martial law . . . I'll tell you how you do it . . . look around you . . . just the way it's being done, just exactly the way it's being done.

Now you know.

Looking Back and Reopening for Business

“How strange is the lot of us mortals! Each of us is here for a brief sojourn; for what purpose he knows not, though he senses it. But without deeper reflection one knows from daily life that one exists for other people.” ~ Albert Einstein

I almost forgot about this place. Sitting all alone in the ether that we call the "internet" - posterity of the electronic age, existing only as long as some server somewhere decides to keep it around. I started this on a lark - was on rotation, prior to graduation, with a guy who was having fun with it, and decided to give my hand at it. Some of my earlier stuff is pretty angry - I was. My marriage was bad, and I don't blame her, but between my poor coping mechanisms, a crazy school schedule, a busy little boy at home, and a wife who was horrible to me . . . it came out in those earliest posts. I didn't sense it then, but it's palpable now. Clear to me. That's actually very sad when you think about it . . . very sad. When you go to drug rehab, they often make you do a "relapse autopsy" looking back over what lead up to your using and eventual collapse. I didn't have the money for rehab and I never went - thank God for the rooms of A.A. - but looking back, this mental state was the straw that broke the proverbial camel's back. While "interesting" today, it doesn't really matter to much because I know that it is all an excuse and always is - I don't need a reason, ever, to get fucked up, but life being bad does make for one hell of a justification . . . does it not?

But, I'm rambling. I do that. I get off on tangents, now to redirect back. This blog was a tool I used to work through much of what happened to me over the course of the year 2007. For those of you who followed along - thank you. Your comments and support meant more to me than I can express in words. I'm not always the best at showing appreciation, so, I hope it's better late than never. I went through a rearranging process, and out of the other side came a new and improved man. I don't feel the same as I did then. Life is not painful the way it was then, and I'm blessed for having had the chance to experience it, though we often do not recognize this fact when we go through what we do. And I'm not super excited to relive any of it, but it forced me to grow or . . . die. Those were my choices. Am I being melodramatic? Looking back . . . no. It's life or destruction for me - I wish I was a mere mortal, I can be envious of you that are, but I lack power, have a spiritual deficiency that requires me to keep growing. Steven King, writing under the pseudonym, "Richard Bachman," wrote a story called the Long Walk, and in the story, it was a contest, the last one walking won a large cash prize. The issue at hand was that if you fell behind, you were shot by the military - on and on until there was one last guy . . . so it's like that, gotta keep walking. It's not an option for me.

So why'd I stop posting? The muse left me . . . my inspiration was gone, blogging had become a chore, and maybe it's original purpose had melted away. I became much busier with my boy, as his mother had just moved back to California a few weeks before my last post, and those of you who have been around 2 year olds know: it's hard to do much of anything except make sure they don't eat dirt and keep things out of light sockets, while making mac and cheese, and watching cartoons, or getting ready to go play outside.

Also, at that time, my marriage was in the shambles, and I started dating again - that was a nightmare generally, but I met some really cool people - one in particular - and she will always be special to me in a way, but life got . . . complicated (doesn't it always?) I'm not really sure if the story should be told or is even appropriate at this juncture . . . let me say this: by March my wife told me she wanted a divorce, was ready to do it. The funny thing about divorces is that they cost money. I'm not talking the messy divorces either - obviously those cost money, lots of money - I'm talking about a simple filing. Neither one of us had half the money at the same time, and the reason I'm still married today is largely because we couldn't even afford to file the paperwork. My wife even went so far as to get an appointment with a paralegal mediator (which would have been even more money). So, about the time I had met someone new - my wife decides she does not want a divorce. Monkey-fucking-wrench . . . I was largely resistant to this at first, but . . . it's complicated, do I need to say any more than that? We're still married and "working it out" - the only person who was hurt in all this was the "other woman" and through no fault of her own. It was a lesson in collateral damage and I'm ashamed for the pain I may have caused, but I let that relationship drop - I had to, and if I would have had more maturity and forethought, I never would have gotten involved with someone prior to a divorce finalizing. She - the "other" - was sweet and nice and good and mostly . . . she didn't deserve what happened. It is my responsibility that it did. One may only live and learn, and not make the same mistakes again. I may have rambled too much, but I won't edit it . . . it is cathartic to have it out . . .

Last March, I matched to a residency program in Internal Medicine - I love work and I love what I'm doing. I will not say where, specifically, because I have had friends who have already gotten into trouble when blogging about where they work, so I will not be identifying my program and I hope that is ok with people. Obviously those close to me know, but I'm not interested in disciplinary action because someone got all butt-hurt about what I said or wrote. I started in July and since that time I have been busier than a one legged man in an ass-kicking contest. However, things are starting to settle down a bit and I think this place may be a good outlet for me again. So, as long as the muse allows I'll be posting again . . . and I may use this as more of an outlet for things I think are important in the world than an online journal, but Im sure there will be some of both.

Perseverance is an admirable trait . . . me? I think I've merely been surviving, even if it looks very similar. I am blessed. God is doing the heavy lifting, and I'm getting by. Much love people.

(and yes there is more, so much more, but I'm only one man and I've only got so much time [maybe next time] - peace)

Looking back . . . looking forward . . .

Man . . . what a year. So many things to say, so many things to tell. This has been the hardest year of my life. I can appreciate there are obviously people who have it worse. Praise God I still have my health. You know? I don't have cancer like some people. My little boy is healthy and wonderful, and some people have children in a pediatric ICU as I write this. There's some perspective . . . I have a lot to be grateful for (I know bad grammar - forgive me [it will continue, I'm sure]). But I've had to really dig deep this last year . . . I suppose I don't need to rehash everything - anyone reading this can go back and look and see what happened. I detailed most of it here.

I sort of stopped posting for awhile because I was pretty fucking depressed. My marriage is basically over . . . I mean you can't entirely blame her - I really screwed things up for her for awhile. Women need a certain amount of security and I didn't provide that very well. She's not a bad person, she's just been hurt. My wife does not forgive well - she definitely does not forget. We can't seem to talk a out "us" without arguing - ok. That hurts, but its just the way things are. For as long as I can remember I've wanted that family - be a daddy and a husband - have my little life like that. It doesn't look like things will work out that way. We are getting along in a very businesslike and professional manner with regards to Sam which is good. He does not like it when we argue. He's a good kid.

In the meantime I was out on the road going to a bunch of interviews. Yeah that crazy isn't? I actually had some great interviews at some pretty great places in spite of how bad I screwed the pooch out in Ohio. At the tops of my list are Utah, Texas A&M, Iowa, and Creighton - liked them a lot. I will probably take into consideration places my wife might move. The thought of spending years away from my kid tears me up worse than I can possibly explain . . .

I spent the afternoon with him. We went to the park. He played on the playground, then the swings, then the slides, then swings again, back to the slide, up the hill to the merry-go-round, up the top of the hill, then running down the hill at full speed (when your center of gravity is that low . . . you can do that), back to the swings . . . I love playing with him. He missed me so much over the last few months. Jo said he'd cry for me. He's been acting out less and sleeping in his own bed all night long (I had to kick the monsters out of his closet - monsters don't mess with daddy).

And that's that for now . . . maybe Ill try and keep this updated more often. Later guys.

I should be asleep

but I'm thinking about life. I'm pretty lonely right now. It's making me introspective. I've not always been the man I supposed to be, even though I kid myself. The mistakes I've made . . .

Could it all have been different? Seriously. Could it? I mean, I'm me and life's life, based on those two truth, could I have done things differently. I'm not so sure I could have. In the abstract - yeah, OK, I could have done this differently - monday morning quarterbacking allows me to see what I should have done, but . . .

I don't even know what I'm saying. I'm alone. I'm tired. This all hurts. If it doesn't make me stronger, it will probably kill me.

I guess that's it.

Remember when . . .

. . . you were a kid? Remember how you imagined life would be? Turns out it's not. I guess I am feeling a bit sorry for myself. I have no one but myself to blame for my current situation. I just don't remember thinking, "Hey, you know what would be awesome!? If I was a drug addict and alcoholic, and because of bad choices I'd get to get kicked out of residency, pick up an assload of unsecured debt, foreclose on a house and watch my marriage deteriorate before my very eyes! That would be sweet!" No. That was not my thoughts, but that is my reality nonetheless.

I struggle with this self-pity thing. Life's not that bad considering. Lost post I mentioned my personal statement. I finished that and it rocked - rocked hard. I've actually got 10 interviews and they are even at places I've heard of. I've still got a chance at being a doctor. Research is good - looks like at least three publications before residency. My recovery is coming along very nicely. I'm doing all the things I know I should do.

It just hurts. I'm in a lot of pain. I miss my family. I miss my wife and kid. I loved being a father an husband. Maybe I've defined my life too much by these things, but maybe I haven't. Life was NOT supposed to be this way.

Anyway, tomorrows a new day, and I still have HOPE, FAITH, and LOVE. If these are not enough, then I'm doomed, but I think they are.

Peace.

Personal Statement Hell

“Be yourself. Above all, let who you are, what you are, what you believe, shine through every sentence you write, every piece you finish.”
~ John Jakes


I have not been at the blogging much lately. Mostly, because I've been busy. My day starts out ay 5:30AM, I snooze until 6:00. I enjoy the morning meeting and then I'm off to the gym, workout for an hour, shower at the gym (this is new to me, but it works pretty damn well), and I go to work. Nine to Five is what I normally work, but since we've been coming up on deadlines and we want to get many projects published - that means weekends and late-nights sometimes. Monday and Wednesday night I'm at a physicians support group. But, busy is good for me. The real reason I've not been blogging is that life's been . . . well . . . calm. It's amazing how when you stop drinking, drugging, lying, cheating, stealing that life seems to smooth out - go figure. How many of you want to read about a "normal" life? I don't know . . . all I know if that life is much better today.

I'm still living a thousand miles from my wife and son, BUT we've reached an equilibrium for now. I miss my kid. He's so awesome and he knows I'm gone. He asks to see me and it breaks my heart. One day he even started crying when I was talking to him on the phone - fuck if that doesn't hurt. He's my little guy and I'm here and he's there, but these are MY consequences and all of my struggles and metal anguish makes me stronger. In large part I know what I am today and what I need to do everyday because of this pain - life's greatest teacher.

Thus, we come to the subject of my blog today: personal statement. I'm reapplying to internal medicine residency and I've been putting of this personal statement thing. I wrote one back in August, but while waiting for enough time to pass to ask Dr. Longo to write me letter (and he has written a nice letter, a good letter, a letter better than I deserve), I decided I did not like my original personal statement. I mean, this statement has to be really, really, really good. I need to explain my shananigans, take responsibility for all of my wreckage, yet at the same time convince people I'm going to be the kind of resident that programs will want. I'm pretty good at being hard on myself, but not so good at selling myself, especially when I've dealt with this crazy inferiority complex my entire life.

Anyway . . . this solves, not much, but perhaps getting down here will break open the flood gates. Wish me luck . . . I think I'm going to need it.

Later.

My Heros

“The hero is one who kindles a great light in the world, who sets up blazing torches in the dark streets of life for men to see by.”
~ Felix Adler

Once again, it's been awhile, and there's a lot I want to get down. I hope I'm able to get it all out.

Working with animal research has been harder on me than I first thought. Today we had to put down two sheep. What's the big deal, right? I've been putting sheep down for weeks now, right? Well, these two sheep had been surgically fitted for in utero study - I won't describe the surgery, because I think some of you would be unable to stomach it - and these fetuses died. We could tell that the fetuses had died because we were getting no readings on the monitors we had implanted. This meant the mommy sheep had to be put to sleep so we could do an autopsy to see what went wrong. It just seemed so fucking useless and wasteful. We put these animals through enough, and it's really, really, really sad when, after it's all said and done, there are no results or useful data from their brave sacrifice. Emotionally, I'm NOT cool, very NOT cool. I cannot get used to this, and maybe I lose a part of my soul - my humanity - if I ever really do become cool with it. I KNOW these animals go through what they do and die so that we may learn more and hopefully translate that knowledge into real human fetal medicine. I have to hold onto that. These animals are my heros - real fucking heros - and I hope there is a special place reserved for them in Heaven.

Other than the sad part of my work, I really like what I do. I'm enjoying things in the lab and it looks like I'm finally getting hired on full-time. I've got some ideas about areas we can look into, and my PI wants me to draw up a proposal so I can start my own project - my own publication. Things are going so well, that I'm beginning to worry about them going wrong. That's fucked up, huh? I don't know why I do that, but ever since I can remember I think everything I touch will eventually turn to shit - like I'm some sort of gigantic fuck-up running around and causing destruction as a necessary function of my very existence. YES! I am neurotic - I know on an intellectual level that none of this is true, but it still feels the same, you know? Like boogey-men . . . you KNOW one is not under the bed, but you are afraid all the same. Welcome to humanity. Welcome to the world.

Sammy. My little boy is growing up so fast and I miss him. It hurts. I miss him so. I feel like such a bad father, him there, me here, but this is the best situation for now. It will not always be this way. I get to see him in a week! I cannot wait! I have more guilt and remorse - probably just holding onto some old hurts here - than I really care to describe. I'm just a simple man who wants simple things, and I cannot wait until the day that I become an everyday father again - God willing me and his mother can get along. She's not a bad person, and we're not the greatest match; but we sure did make a GREAT kid.

All the existentialism shit has taken a bit of a backseat - truth is, more will be revealed. I can only know what I know (I know it's trite, but it works for me). I'm a spiritually deficient person whom God saw fit to try and save anyway. (Thanks God!) My mood is a bit up and down, honestly. I'e had moments of pretty decent depression - especially when I think about all of my wreckage - but mostly I'm good - mostly. I have hope. I have faith. I have a newfound freedom. That angry man who wrote the first few posts of this blog, seems to have evolved into whatever this is today.

To everyone who keeps coming here to read this blog - thanks. To those who have actually said prayers on my behalf - God Bless.

Good night and God Bless.